Behind The Mask
by Wastedsoul
Summary: Ziva had kept her illness a secret by a very protective mask. But what happens when she slips and can't handle the illness on her own anymore? Will Gibbs and the team notice or will Anorexia claim yet another young victim,
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Introduction**

* * *

><p>Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters. This story is entirely fictional and is based on my own experiences. Reviews andor comments would be greatly appreciated as I am loving this story and it is a pleasure to write. Enjoy

Chapter One - Introduction

Ziva David presented herself as a strong tough individual. Her training had taught her to hide her pain, and use whatever means necessary to complete her mission and get the job done. The strict rules imposed on her, gave her structure and consistency and as such she did not deal well with change. Weakness was never to be shown, and there were serious consequences for those that did in Mossad. But since coming home from Africa and her ordeal with Saleem, she could not forgive herself for being so weak, and allowing that monster to think he could own her.

She did her best to hide what she was doing to herself. She work baggy clothes, ate her one meal of the day in front of her co-workers, contained her self-harm to her stomach and legs to avoid suspicion and put on her best Mossad smile to try and fool everyone. Little did she know they weren't fooled.

This is the story of Ziva's decent into the depths of darkness.


	2. Hell Begins

**Chapter 2: Hell Begins**

* * *

><p>.<p>

xxxxxx

Ziva groaned as she rolled out of bed. It was 0400 and she wanted to be at the navy yard by 0500. She stood up and looked at her reflection in the mirror, tracing all the bruises and cuts with her fingers. The bruises were healing and the cuts drying up, but still all she could think of was how ugly it all looked. She had never thought of herself as ugly before, granted she didn't think herself as beautiful either, but it wasn't until now that she realised that things had to change, and fast.

She slowly got dressed, making a mental note to buy a scale off the internet when she was at her computer. Gibbs and his team had no idea that she had struggled with an eating disorder for the last 12 years. She had hidden it well, and since she remained at a fat healthy BMI there was no reason for anyone to be concerned. She had seen and still continued to see a doctor, psychologist and psychiatrist out of work hours, telling the team that she just needed some quiet time or that she was going out for a run. This way it usually kept them off her case as they all knew that Ziva was a pretty private person.

She arrived at the navy yard at 0459, she loved arriving early as it usually meant she could be alone for an hour until Gibbs arrived at 0600, although sometimes when they were stuck on a particular hard case Gibbs would sometimes be there at 0500 as well.

She pulled out a notebook and started drawing up plans and weight goals. Remembering she didn't yet have a scale, and as such had no idea of what she weighed she looked online until she found one that she wanted, it would tell her what her weight was and nothing else, but that was okay. She could download apps onto her phone that would tell her BMI and body fat percentage.

Gibbs walked out of the elevator and Ziva quickly closed her screen. There was no way that Gibbs could find out what she was up to. Not yet anyway.

Gibbs shook his head, but was in no way surprised that Ziva was so early. What concerned him more was that he didn't think that Ziva had taken enough time off from her ordeal with Saleem. But he knew that trying to convince her to take any more time off, would be fruitless.

After a brief hello, the pair continued to work in silence waiting for the rest of the team. At exactly 0700 McGee arrived and at 0705 Tony burst through the elevator.

"Hi Ziva, wasn't expecting you back so soon" McGee said with notable concern in his voice.

"Well probie our little ninja here doesn't take time off for anything" was Tony's explanation.

"Thankyou McGee, and Tony if you must know I would prefer to be here doing something than sitting around at home." Ziva said in a tone of voice that warned Tony not to mess around with her. Not today anyway.

Gibbs watched his teams bickering, but was concerned at Ziva's reaction. Yes the two of them often were at loggerheads with each other, but it was not like Ziva to be so short with Tony within the first 5 minutes. He made a mental note to keep an eye on her, at least for the next couple of days.


	3. Distractions

**Chapter 3: Distractions**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

It was 0900 hours and the bullpen was silent. Even Tony was behaving himself for a change. Even though Ziva had been back at work for 2 weeks now, everyone was still walking on eggshells around her and she hated it.

Did they really think she was that weak?

_"Well you are, they are just showing you what you don't want to see" _came the voice in her head, that voice had come back to her as soon as she got back from Africa, it was the voice that had plagued her during her teenage years, and it was the voice that screamed at her to starve, binge, purge and cut. Yet it felt comforting to have something familiar, even though she called it her evil voice.

"Ziva, Ziva, ZIVA" Tony practically screamed her name by the last time.

"Yes Tony what is it that you want" Ziva said in a tone of voice that would have most grown men shaking.

"Gibbs said gear up, let's go" came the answer from McGee

"Oh sorry, I am coming" Ziva said in a somewhat dazed voice

"Rule no #6 Ziva" Gibbs practically yelled from the elevator

"Never take anything for granted?" Ziva asked with a puzzled expression on her face whilst her head screamed _"you don't deserve them yet you take everything for granted" _

"Nah that's no #8 Ziva, rule #6 is never apologise, it's a sign of weakness" Tim explained

"ARE YOU THREE COMING OR WHAT" came the irate voice of Gibbs

"On it boss" the three younger agents shouted whilst bolting towards the elevator

Xxxxxxxx

At the crime scene.

"Alright McGee talk to the local leos, David photos and DiNozzo talk to the victim's husband" Gibbs said

"On it Boss" chimed three voices

Gibbs watched Ziva as she began to take photos of their latest victim. A dead female Petty Officer by the name of Joanne Shields. From the looks of it she had been shot to death, but it wasn't the victim Gibbs was thinking about. There was something off about Ziva, his strong ninja definitely had something on her mind. And getting her to open up wasn't going to be easy.

Ziva was aware that Gibbs was watching her. She had always been good at knowing when she was being watched and that together with her Mossad training, made her extra vigilant to such things.

She continued to take photos of the body, trying to concentrate through the constant yelling in her head saying _"this should be you, you fat cow. You're disgusting and horrible and this should be you"_.

Gibbs knew there was something wrong with Ziva, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. On the outside she seemed fine, so she must be right? Maybe he should just keep an eye on her. Yes that would be a good idea. After formulating this plan, he turned on his heal to join DiNozzo.


	4. Scalpels

**Chapter 4: Scalpels**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

It was 1700 hours and the team were chasing up leads on the Joanne Shields case. By the looks of things it was her husband who had murdered her for her life insurance money, and the team were about ready to close the case.

Ziva had been restless all day. She wanted to go home, to see if her scale had arrived to see how much she weighed. She needed to know that magical number and even though she knew she would hate herself for how much it was, she couldn't bear not knowing it.

The problem was she had lost so much weight in Africa because of the lack of food and water available to her. When she had come back she had spent a week and a half at Bethesda hospital where she downed weight gain drinks on top of being ng fed, just to prove she was ok. Nobody questioned her old self harm scars, as they believed that these were from Salem. This allowed her to keep up her perfect façade, and the team was none the wiser.

In the bullpen Ziva was chasing up phone leads, McGee credit card statements and Tony was tracking the suspect's movements for the last 48 hours.

"Can someone run this down to Ducky for me, and I need the final autopsy report" Gibbs stated

Ziva jumped at the chance to go down to autopsy, she had secretly wanted to go down there all day.

"I'll do it Gibbs, I've finished here anyway"

Gibbs grunted his okay and handed the files for Ducky to Ziva. She all but practically skipped down to autopsy.

_"Someone's obviously feeling better"_ Gibbs thought and let out a sigh of relief. To him it seemed that his little ninja was ok.

Xxxxxxxx

In Autopsy.

"Ducky I have something for you from Gibbs" Ziva said as she walked through the doors of autopsy, smiling her well-practiced smile.

"Well thankyou my dear, it's good to see you up and about, but my dear Ziva how are you?" came the older man's voice laced with concern.

"I am fine Ducky, thankyou for asking" Ziva said _"must find a scalpel, where does he keep them, I need a scalpel"_

"Do you need anything my dear?" Ducky asked, watching Ziva look at him expectantly

"Ah yes, Gibbs would please like the autopsy report" Ziva said with her sweetest smile

"Ah yes my dear, I was just finishing it, do you mind waiting a minute" the ME asked

"Of course not Ducky, it will be my pleasure" Ziva said as she watched him walk over to his computer to finish typing his report.

As soon as his back was turned Ziva stealthily grabbed 2 medical scalpels off the autopsy table and stashed them in her pocket, praying that the ME would think his assistant James Palmer had carelessly misplaced them as he had done so many times before. She pretended to just be observing the deceased petty officer so as not to draw attention to what she had just done.

"Here you are my dear" Ducky's voice came floating into her thoughts and brought her back to reality. However this was not missed by the older man. He had come to regard Ziva as one of his children, especially since a mere two weeks ago he was convinced that he had lost her forever.

"Oh sorry Ducky, I was just thinking" came her reply. _"Shit that's the second time this has happened today. Get a grip of yourself David"_

"Anything I can help you with my dear?" Ducky asked in his most fatherly voice

"Oh no thanks Ducky, I better be running this back up to Gibbs" she replied and started making her way out of autopsy nearly running into Jimmy Palmer who had been running evidence down to Abby.

Ducky watched the pair exchange apologies, and shaking his head with a smile. He loved this team, and wanted more than anything for them all to be happy. It seemed that Ziva's smile had fooled him also. He was content to think that one his "granddaughter" was ok, she deserved happiness after all she had been through.

He turned back to the autopsy table, ready to close up petty officer Shields. He frowned as he took note of his medical equipment. He could have sworn there was more than one scalpel before.

"Mister Palmer, did you misplace the scalpels again? I'm thinking I might start using Gibbs's method of head slapping you, until you remember to stop losing our equipment" Ducky said with a mock angry face.

"My apologies Doctor, I really don't mean to" Palmer said with his head hanging on the floor.

"Its ok son I know, its ok" Ducky said his smile returning to his face.

Jimmy sighed a sigh of relief. He had more respect for the ME than his own father. And he always loved when he called him son.

Xxxxxxxx

At 2300 hours the team all left to go home. Ziva was beyond exhausted after yet another long day. But there was more to do once she got home.

She nearly tripped walking through her front door of her house. It was then she realised her parcel had arrived. Quickly ripping open the package she stripped and set the scale down on the floor.

125 pounds.

. _"Ugly, disgusting, fat cow, you are disgusting. You need to be a maximum of 90 pounds. You are disgusting"_

Ziva quickly dressed herself, but not before looking at her reflection in the mirror. She was hideous and she knew it. She needed to lose weight and fast, but first there was something else she needed to do.

She fumbled through her bag, until she found exactly what she was looking for. The scalpels she had stolen from autopsy were perfect for what she wanted to do.

She rolled up her pants and started to make identical lines on her upper thighs.

In an instant she could think clearer, her tears settled just a little bit, and she started to embrace the pain.


	5. Concern

**Chapter 5: Concern**

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><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

0400 hours. As usual Ziva's alarm went off, waking her from the most peaceful sleep she had managed to have in months. Wincing slightly as her cuts stung from the previous night, she rolled out of bed, making her way to the bathroom. After quickly peeing what remained in her bladder out, she quickly stripped and weighed herself just as she had the night before.

123 pounds.

_"You lazy cow, we are going to change this starting now!" _screamed the voice in her head. She half-dressed herself and grabbed the box of tissues off the basin. After walking back into her room, she made small incisions to both her hands and arms. Nothing that would be suspicious to anyone, especially since she carried and a knife and dealt with armed suspects most days, but she needed something she could see. For at the time her body was too heavy to calm her, but the small incisions to her hands and arms reminded her that she just needed to pretend to be okay, and as long as she could see the cuts, then she could stay strong. She knew her logic was twisted, but she needed it to just get through the day.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva arrived at the Navy yard at 0500 breathless but almost happy. She had decided to run to work from now on, figuring that the extra calories burned would at least speed up her weight loss, even if it was just a little. She made her way to her desk and pulled out her notepad. Scribbling down meal plans she decided on a maximum of 800 calories to start with. Less was better, more was not allowed. She would see how the weight loss progressed and then adjust her calories accordingly. She knew how to make 100 calories look like 500, so that she would not draw suspicion. She didn't want people nagging her. Not yet anyway.

_"But of course you do, you want people to care. But why would they? You don't deserve them. You are weak and stupid, nobody could love you. You are a horrible and disgusting person" _her head all but screamed. She was getting used to the voices that were always there, but sometimes, it was just all too much. Checking her watch and seeing that it was 0545 hours she quickly ran to the ladies room, her blade concealed in her hand.

Xxxxxxxx

Gibbs arrived in the bullpen at 0600, not a minute early or late as usual. He wasn't surprised to see Ziva already at her desk silently working. She appeared deep in thought, so he walked past and sat down at his desk, waiting to see how long it would take until he finally noticed her.

Ziva finished typing her plans into the computer. She always like to have a paper copy and an electronic copy just in case the paper copy got lost. People would say that it just made more sense to have an electronic copy and not bother about the paper copy, but she was a bit old fashioned in that way. Apart from cutting and losing weight, drawing up herself destructive plans was the only other thing that calmed her. She felt a twisted sense of enjoyment from doing them, and although she knew this was wrong. She could not stop.

After about 15 minutes of not being noticed Gibbs loudly cleared his throat with a "ahem". Ziva all but jumped out of her chair at the sound.

_"Shit I must have lost track of the time, I wonder how long he has been sitting there?"_

"Hello Gibbs, when did you come? I did not see you walk past my desk" she said flashing a smile.

"Well Ziva you seemed pretty into you work, what is it you were working on?" Gibbs asked

"Oh I was just finishing my report from the case yesterday" she replied, she knew Gibbs did not know that she had actually finished her report last night.

"Punctual as always, your report then please? Gibbs asked as he held out his hand.

Ziva picked it up off her desk and handed it to her boss. Instead of taking the report from her however he grabbed her wrist, examining the cuts on her hand. Ziva put on her Mossad face and pretended that she had no idea what he was looking at, and waited as patiently as she could for him to release her hand. When he did there was concern that was evident in both his face and his voice.

"Care to tell me why you have all the cuts on your hand David?" He stated and Ziva knew it was not a question but a statement. He was expecting an answer and she had better make it a good one.

"Oh I was cleaning my weapons last night, and I dropped my knife of the table. I automatically went to catch it but well, I must have been tired and missed" she said trying to shake any nervousness out of her voice, and praying that just this once he would let it go.

"I think you need to go see Ducky and get these dressed David" was the answer she received.

"Oh Gibbs I am fine, I really don't think that will be necessary" Ziva said hoping that he would just drop it. But Gibbs being Gibbs could not just let it go. One of his children was hurt, and he was going to make sure she wouldn't be hurt for longer than necessary.

"That wasn't a question David, it was an order, now go" Gibbs barked in a tone of voice that didn't leave room for argument.

Ziva turned on her heal, and walked to the elevator as calmly as possible. Inside she was seething but she knew she would have to go along with it for the moment. She couldn't risk being caught out now.

_"Stupid man, he should mind his own business. I am FINE and it's not like I asked him to care anyway. So he shouldn't."_

Xxxxxxxx

As she made her way down to the elevator, she remembered something that had been said to her during therapy with her psychologist. Katrina had asked her "when are you going to change the way, you think about yourself?" to which she replied indignantly "well it's not that easy." Fighting the voices was hard, and self-destructing was so much easier. She had never been the one to take the easy road. Yet when it came to her illness giving into it seemed so much easier. She was still mulling this over in her head, when she walked into autopsy.

"Ah my dear, what has brought you down hear so early? Has Jethro got a case already?" asked the ME, who had only walked through the doors about 5 minutes earlier.

"Oh no Ducky, Gibbs just sent me down here, well because I was cleaning my weapons last night, and accidentally dropped my knife, and when I went to catch it, well it kind of got me, so Gibbs wanted me to ask you to dress the wounds" she explained once again praying that no questions would be asked.

Ducky took her hand in his and examined the small cuts on her hands. He didn't want to interrogate her on how she got the cuts, but he didn't really believe her story either. Nonetheless he smiled and said

"Let's get you cleaned up my dear" as he gathered up alcohol wipes and small Band-Aids apologising for the sting the alcohol wipes would bring. Neither agent nor ME said anything whilst the cuts were cleaned and dressed, however Ducky did have one request before sending her back up to the bullpen.

"Please can you take your jacket off my dear, I just want to make sure that the knife didn't get your arms as well" he said in his gentlest tone of voice possible.

Ziva said "of course" and proceeded to remove her jacket. There was a reason that she never cut her arms and wrists apart from the occasional single line. She knew that when people suspected you were a cutter, they always looked at the arms first. She couldn't help but smirk when he examined her arms and the declared she could go. Giving her the fatherly smile that he always did.

_"Well I got away with that, my secret is safe."_ Was her last thought as walked out of autopsy and back up to the bullpen.

Little did she know that Ducky was already suspicious.

"Jethro its Ducky, it's about Ziva. I think we need to talk"


	6. Destruction Begins

**Chapter 6: Destruction Begins**

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Xxxxxxxx

Down in autopsy a concerned Dr Mallard was, beginning to get frustrated at a certain Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

"Jethro you don't seem to understand. After everything that Ziva has been through, it's only human that she's trying to find different ways to cope with the pain" the older ME pleaded.

"I'm telling you Duck she's fine, but if will get you off my back I will keep an eye on her for the next couple of days" Gibbs replied in an equally tired voice.

"Thank you Jethro that would be for the best" Ducky said sighing a small sigh of relief. He was more than slightly worried about the girl, and although he didn't want to think there might be something wrong with her, he knew his mind would be more at ease knowing that someone was keeping an eye on her.

"No probs Duck, bye" came the short reply, from the team leader.

Xxxxxxxx

Gibbs walked back into the bullpen to find his agents working on a stack of cold cases. It had been a slow day, which was a quiet relief to only 3 of the agents. The other was fidgeting around in her seat, and secretly wishing a case would come through, just so that she had an excuse to move around and burn more calories.

"Ants in your pants Ziva?" barked Gibbs as he stared at her, wondering what on earth was going on with her.

"Ants in my what, Gibbs?" asked a very puzzled and confused Ziva

"It means your fidgeting and moving around a lot Ziva" said Tim coming to her rescue.

Meanwhile Tony, who could not keep himself from doubling up in laughter at the look on her face when the "ants in your pants" expression was used.

"Sorry Gibbs, I just need to move around for a bit, my legs are wood after sitting for so long" the Israeli explained

"Rule no #6 Ziva. Don't make me remind you again" Gibbs

The team continued in silence for a few more minutes, when Gibb's phone rang.

"Hi Duck, hmmm yeah I know, uh huh ok I'll send someone to come and collect them" the three agents listened intently to the conversation, whilst trying to guess what exactly what was going on, and not look like they were eavesdropping at the same time.

"David, since you want to stretch out your legs so much, Ducky has files that we need." Gibbs said watching as his agent's eyes gave away a slight hint of fear.

"Oh um Gibbs, are you sure? I mean I'm fine here really" Ziva explained, panic now evident in her voice.

_"Shit, what am I going to do? Why does he want me to see Ducky again? Stupid cow you need to stay away from him. I have even began to start getting on top of things yet. He MUST NOT interfere"_

"That was an order David, now go" came the now annoyed voice of Gibbs.

Ziva all but practically ran into the elevator.

Xxxxxxxx

Once in the elevator Ziva punched all the numbers, ensuring that the ride down to autopsy would take as long as possible. As soon as the doors closes she started doing jumping jacks as fast as she could.

_"Faster, faster, faster, faster you're too slow, I said FASTER" her head screamed._

When the elevator stopped at autopsy, she stopped jumping immediately, and tried to slow down her now rapid breathing.

"Ah Ziva, so Gibbs sent you did he" Ducky said with a twinkle in his eye. He watched the younger woman for any signs that would give what she was thinking away.

"Oh yes Ducky he did" she replied trying to smile, whilst still trying to slow down her still ragged breathing

"Are you quite alright my dear?" asked the older man, concern in his voice in regards to the young agent for the second time that day.

"Of course Ducky, I decided to take the stairs. Just need to work on my fitness again I think" she said, never letting her smile drop. She knew the ME was on to her, but she needed to keep up the perfect façade. At least for now.

Ducky smiled a small smile, as he realised that she was not going to indulge him in what was worrying her today. His hope however, was that she would soon feel comfortable enough to tell him soon. He walked over to his desk and picked up the files that Jethro needed, and handed them to her.

Before Ducky could say another word, or even worse make another observation. Ziva walked as quickly as possible out of autopsy. Thoughts were running through her head at an alarming pace. Mostly because she was worried and yet at the same time relieved that there were people looking out for her. One of the things that she hated the most about her illness, apart from hating herself for both not wanting and wanting to be sick, was that she felt like she needed people. She had never needed or wanted anyone her entire life, she had been trained to kill and get the mission done no matter what for heaven's sake! Yet when she was hurting she wanted people to be close to her, and yet at the same time she wanted to push them away in a futile attempt at proving to herself that she was strong, that she was invincible.

"_But you're not invincible, you are fat failure. You are worthless and you will never amount to anything" _came the evil voice in her head_ "You're disgusting, as if anyone would want you"_

As she listened to her head, tears started to form in her eyes. But she would not cry. Not here and not now.

Xxxxxxxx

As soon as Ziva had left for autopsy, Gibbs had walked out of the bullpen muttering something about coffee. Leaving Tony and Tim on their own for the first time that day. But there was only one thing or rather one person that was on their minds.

"Ziva's acting a bit strange lately don't you think probie?" Tony asked Tim, his voice laced with worry.

"It's not unusual Tony, after what she's been through in the last couple of months" Tim replied calm as ever.

The two men sat in silence contemplating the changes in their fellow co-worker. There was something off about Ziva, they just couldn't put their finger on it.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva arrived back in the bullpen to find only Tim and Tony still at their desks.

"Legs still feel like wood Ziiiva?" Tony asked rolling her name around his tongue as he often did

"No thankyou Tony, they are quite ok now. But where is Gibbs?" she asked as she sat behind her desk.

"Coffee" was the simultaneous reply

"Man I'm hungry" exclaimed Tony, holding his stomach as if he hadn't eaten for a week.

_"You have no idea"_ Ziva thought

"You're always hungry Tony" McGee stated interrupting Ziva's thoughts

"Well McDonald, it is lunchtime and I have myself here a nice couple of slices of pizza" DiNozzo said putting his feet back on his desk, whilst digging into his pizza. (550)

McGee had brought a simple lunch consisting of a chicken salad roll (400), apple (70) and custard (110)

Ziva suppressed a smirk that was forming on her face, proud that she no longer needed to succumb to such human weaknesses. She pulled out her own lunch which today consisted of a salad (100) and diet jelly (28).

She watched Tony wolf down his Pizza, almost disgusted and yet half jealous of the way he could just wolf down his food without shame or regret. She picked at her salad whilst turning her attention to McGee who was also enjoying his lunch, although admittedly without as much gusto as Tony.

_"Now this is better, you don't need to eat like them. This is what we need to do, stay in control and you will be fine" _

Ziva smiled as the team finished eating, and started back on their work as Gibbs walked back in, from a very long coffee break. A few more weeks like this, and she just might start to feel good again.

_"Will it really though? Are you sure this is not going to go downhill again?" _nagged the other voice in her head. This was what Ziva called her logical voice. And even though she knew that her logical voice was probably right, she was already too set in herself destructive ways to listen to it.


	7. Twisted Logic

**Chapter 7: Twisted Logic**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

0500

Ziva silently prayed as she stepped on the scale.

119 pounds

She stared at the number, and then kicked the scale away, disgusted.

_"FASTER, is this the best you can do? Stop being so lazy and FASTER"_

She walked back into her room, still shaking her head in disgust. She was a week into "operation skeleton" the code name she had decided on with the help of friend Lucy.

Lucy and Ziva, had become friends 4 years previously, through one of Lucy's work mentors who thought the two might be able to support each other when times were tough.

Lucy also had an eating disorder, more specifically anorexia and it had plagued her throughout her adolescence and young adulthood. They were very close, or as the Americans put it, best friends.

The only other girl Ziva had known that had an eating disorder was her sister Tali. Tali had been killed the year before Ziva had come to NCIS. A terrorist roadside bomb had exploded, killing her instantly. However it was unknown to her father, and most people close to her, that she was suffering from Anorexia. Ziva had done all she could to support Tali, but in the end it was a terrorist and not her illness that had killed her.

Ziva opened her diary recording today's weight. There was a slow pattern of weight loss emerging on the page in front of her.

115

110

105

100

95

90

She snapped the diary shut, putting it down before opening her closet to find clothes to get dressed. Getting dressed was a daily battle, and she usually tried on 3 or 4 outfits before finally giving up, and just wearing whatever was on top of the pile.

She changed slowly running her hands over the scars that covered her stomach and thighs. She grabbed her blade and started painting bloody red lines onto her thighs. She had decided that once she was under 110 then she didn't need to cut anymore.

As she cut, she let out a breath that she didn't even know she was holding in. She grabbed some tissues and cleaned the fresh wounds, wincing as the cold water flowed over the open skin. She knew she needed to hurry up, it was 0600 already and she hadn't even left the house. Ziva knew she needed to pull herself together before someone noticed something was off. She didn't want that, not yet.

Xxxxxxxx

Gibbs knew something was off. Something was very off.

In all his years at NCIS, Gibbs had not known the former Mossad agent to be late. Checking his watch for what must have been the 20th time that morning. It was 0631 and he had made up his mind, that if she did not show up within the next ten minutes then he would send a search party after her, or at the very least he would call her.

Xxxxxxxx

0635 hours

Ziva continued running towards the Navy yard silently hoping that Gibbs was also late to work today, because she knew he would try to interrogate her as to why she was so late. Well technically she didn't start work until 0700, but at Mossad the agents started at 0500 and out of habit she kept it that way. Lately though she was finding it more and more difficult to keep track of the time, or anything that was not in her head. She knew that she was losing grip of reality, but she knew that the evil side of her was not done yet, and it would not let her stop.

0639 hours

Gibbs let out a breath as he watched Ziva exit the elevator. His relief quickly turned to worry, as he fixed her with a steely gaze that let Ziva know without question that he was mad. He was more than mad. He was pissed.

Ziva walked towards her desk, trying to ignore what the did the Americans call it? Elephants? No flies that were in her stomach at seeing the look on Gibb's face. She knew she was going to have to do some fast talking to get out of this one.

"Hello Gibb's sorry I am late, I overslept this morning" she explained smiling a fake smile,

But she could see Gibbs was having none of it, his face turning from worry, to anger to betrayal. She knew that the unspoken rule on Gibb's team was to always be honest with each other. That's why the team worked so well with each other. They were honest with each other no matter what.

Gibb's knew that there was something wrong with Ziva. Her behaviour had been so out of character for the last week, and if he heard her say she was "fine" one more time, he might just lock her up into interrogation room 1, until she started talking. That said he knew a week was too little a time to judge someone's behaviour by, so he would wait for as long as his patience would allow. But his patience was wearing thin.

"Well David, next time you "oversleep" call me, so at least I don't nearly call a search party" Gibbs barked in reply not bothering to life his eyes from the report he had in front of him. If she was not going to talk to him, then he would play her game, giving her enough so that she knew he cared, yet keeping a distance. He knew that before long she would crack and he would finally find out what was bothering her. Or so he thought.

Ziva stood, and walked out of the bullpen, muttering something about "ladies room" and as soon as she was out of sight sprinted down 3 flights of stairs, finally settling for the fourth flight and sitting down. Holding her head in her hands her emotions changed from sad to angry to hurt. She couldn't understand why Gibb's couldn't even look at her, and it brought back memories of being a child, when her father was too buried in his own problems to notice she was hurting. Not because she thought that Gibbs was buried in his own problems, but because it brought back the same feelings. It made her feel lost, and it made her evil head even more self-destructive. She wanted and needed to show people how much she was hurting. She wanted them to know that she wasn't the strong person she pretended to be. She was a mess and she knew she had to hit rock bottom, before she could allow herself to even start to get better. She didn't know where this twisted logic came from, but for the last five years it had been a feeling she couldn't shake off.

_"Well of course he doesn't care, why would he. You're just being an attention seeking bitch. You're fat and ugly and stupid. Why on earth would he want to be with you? You're a fake cow:"_

And with that, she grabbed her blade and started to cut.

Xxxxxxxx

Tony and Tim walked into the bullpen, Tony teasing the younger agent as usual. Tony didn't seem to notice Gibb's odd behaviour, but Tim being ever observant as he was did.

"Something wrong boss?" he asked, Gibbs had become both his boss and mentor over the years and as such Tim had learned to pick up on his bosses moods.

Tony watched the pair intently. Now that Tim had pointed it out, his boss was acting slightly strangely. Gibbs never really was the talkative type, but he had learnt to read his moods and thoughts by his facial expressions, and the one that Gibbs was wearing now was one of hurt, which was rarely seen on the face of Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

In response to Tim's question Gibbs replied

"I don't appreciate being lied to Tim. Especially by a member of my own team. We are a family and families stick together"

"Uh well, we aren't lying to you boss, you know we've always got your six" Tony replied panic in his voice

"I'm not talking about you DiNozzo, if any of you find out what's wrong with Ziva I want to be the first to know" he said standing up from his desk, and fixing them with a stare that left no room for discussion.

"I'm going to get coffee" were his last words as he stood up, walking out of the bullpen, passing Ziva as she walked back in.

Tim and Tony watched as Gibbs and Ziva walked past each other without so much as a glance at each other. They knew this was unusual for the pair, that had been so close just a week ago.

Tim sat down shaking his head.

_"Today"_ he thought, _"Today is going to be a very long day"_


	8. Paper Trail

**Chapter 8: Paper Trail**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

Ziva sat down at her desk, pretending that she was working on the cold cases, when in reality she was figuring out new meal plans, to speed up her weight loss. She decided that the only foods she would allow herself to eat would be baby corn, berries, soup, diet jelly, apples, diet drinks, and tea. The quantities and exact calorie counts she could figure out later. What mattered to her at the moment was that she was starting to gain control again, and she wasn't about to let that go. Not for anyone.

Tim watched Ziva intently, from her tranced state Ziva hadn't even noticed that he was watching her. Unusual behaviour from the woman who slept with a gun under her pillow, and didn't go anywhere unless she was heavily armed. He knew she never let her guard down usually, but he was seeing it happen more and more often.

"You ok little ninja? You're very quiet today" Tim asked

"Well Timmmy, the little ninjas been quiet all week, and we don't appreciate being lied to" Tony said standing up and walking over to Ziva's desk.

"Ziva. . ." Tony asked, punctuating every word with a tone of voice that Ziva had not yet heard, from the usually joking agent.

She looked up with a determined glint in her eye and said:

"Tony it is not my problem if you think I am lying to you, and maybe I am quiet because I am DOING MY WORK" shouting the last three words and standing eye to eye with Tony.

She was beyond angry with everyone and couldn't understand why they could just not LEAVE HER ALONE.

"Well then what is this?" Tony shouted equally as angry, pointing to her list of safe foods that she now had typed onto her computer.

Ziva stood up and for the second time that day, ran out of the bullpen tears of anger, streaming down her face as she left.

Xxxxxxxx

Tony watched her run, before starting to pace up and down, trying to figure out exactly what was wrong and wondering what the hell safe foods were.

Tim had walked over to Ziva's desk as soon as Tony had started pacing. He frowned at the computer screen when he saw her list of "safe foods." Not usually one to pry, it took someone to seriously worry him before he started snooping. And yet he still couldn't help but feel seriously guilty about what he was doing.

"Um Tony, you might want to have a look at this" he said whilst handing to Tony a paper that was titled: Rules

Rules:

Maximum of 800 calories a day, 500 is better, fasting is best

Minimum of .4 pounds to be lost a day

Exercise everything off

Lose weight NO MATTER WHAT

Tony stared at the paper shocked by what was in front of him. He had heard of girls doing this to themselves, but he would never have thought of Ziva being so stupid. He knew they needed to tell Gibbs and fast.

"Something you want to share DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked, as Tony nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Boss maybe you need to see this" Tim said taking the paper from a shell shocked Tony and handing it to Gibbs.

Gibbs read through the paper quickly, easily recognising Ziva's writing easily. He made his way to the elevator shouting

"Autopsy" before the doors shut. He needed to speak to Ducky about this, and fast.

Xxxxxxxx

Meanwhile Ziva was pacing up and down the stairs, breathless and exhausted. She knew she must have run up those stairs at least 9 or 10 times already, and yet it didn't seem enough.

_"Of course it's not enough, you should run more. Being tired is for the weak. You are supposed to be stronger than this" _

Ziva stood up, and started running up and down the stairs again.

She ran to escape the thoughts in her head, the anger she felt at everyone else. But more than anything she ran, because all she wanted to do was escape herself.

Xxxxxxxx

"Ducky we have a problem" Gibbs said to Ducky worriedly as he walked through autopsy.

"Why yes, my dear Jethro I know, but why do you think so all of a sudden?" the ME asked, thinking back to the many times in the last week that he had tried to explain this, but got nowhere.

"This" was all Gibbs answered thrusting the piece of paper with Ziva's rules into the older man's hand.

"Oh my" was the reaction he received.

Ducky was silent as he read the piece of paper, twice through whilst trying to analyse exactly what was going on in her head. This was not normal behaviour for her, in fact it was not normal behaviour for anyone. Ducky had seen this type of thing before, he had treated a few marines with eating disorders whilst serving in the US Navy, but he hoped that maybe with early intervention Ziva could stop these thoughts quickly. He had no idea, she had been battling with her illness for years, and as medical records were confidential, Ziva had made sure that NCIS did not know about her medical history.

"This is serious Gibbs, we need to get Ziva to talk to someone immediately if we have any hope of stopping this, before it turns into a full blown eating disorder" Ducky explained to Gibbs

"Ducky an eating disorder? You think Ziva might have one?" Gibbs was confused at the doctor's reaction to the paper. He knew that there was definitely something wrong with Ziva's behaviour, but at the same time it couldn't be an eating disorder could it? He saw Ziva eat every day, and whilst the Israeli had never been overweight, she was stick thin either. Gibbs had always liked her because she was an average bodyweight, which to him was refreshing to see when there were so many wafer thin girls out there.

"I know what you're thinking Jethro, and yes Ziva may not be underweight, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have some serious problems going on up here" Ducky explained whilst tapping his head, he knew the younger man loved Ziva as a daughter, and it was often harder for the patients family to accept that there wrong than the patient.

"Well what do you propose we do Duck?" asked Gibbs a determined look in his eye, he would do anything to make her ok again, he had to.

"First things first Gibbs, bring her down here and let me see if she opens up to me. Maybe talking to a familiar face will help her open up a bit." Said the older man

"No probs Duck, I'll go get her right now" Gibbs said as he turned on his heel and exited autopsy, intent on going straight up to the bullpen and sending Ziva to autopsy. He would drag her there if he had to.

He was mulling these thoughts over when he stepped back into the bullpen and saw no sign of the female agent.

"McGee, DiNozzo where the hell is she?" He half asked, half shouted annoyed that she couldn't even stay put for 5 minutes these days

"Uh boss we haven't seen her for the last half hour" McGee explained nervously

"Well go FIND HER" Gibbs shouted exasperated by this point.

Watching the two agents scramble out of the room, he sighed as he sat down rubbing the temples in his head.

_Today_ he thought _today is going to be a very long day _


	9. Flash Backs

**Chapter 9: Flashbacks**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

Ziva unaware that people that were looking for her, was sitting on the fourth flight of stairs. She had kept running until she had at last felt numb and devoid of any emotions. As much as she sometimes hated feeling numb and empty, it was easier than dealing with the turbulent anger that had ripped through her when she had run through the bullpen.

_Pull yourself together, this is all your fault anyway!_

Ziva was about to start screaming again when Tony burst through the door.

"Ziva what the hell are you doing here?" Tony asked angrily "do you have any idea how many times we called your cell? Rule no #3 Ziva, never be unreachable!" Tony said. He was still angry at her, but as he talked his anger turned to worry. She just sat there and said nothing. Ziva never said nothing and was always the first to defend herself, she was never just silent. It just wasn't Ziva.

"Come on Ziva, you're coming with me" Tony said as he offered out his hand to help her get up

"And where exactly are we going?" she asked, the anger quickly rising in her chest again

"To Gibbs, who I might add send both McGeek and I to find you"

_Oh Shit_ she thought, _I'm done now_

_No I will show him, I will show him I am not scared of him. I Ziva David and I am not scared of anything_

Tony watched her expressions change rapidly. He watched as she stood up and motioned him to move a determined look on her face. He knew she was steeling herself for a fight. That damn stubborn woman.

_But_ Tony thought, _I don't think she has realised what she has gotten herself into this time_

Xxxxxxxx

Gibbs sat alone in the bullpen, his anger growing more and more by the minute. He couldn't understand why Ziva was doing this to herself.

_An eating disorder, how could she be so stupid?_ He thought

_But_ thought the other voice in his head _it's an illness not a_ _choice_,

Ducky had explained that to him years ago when they had worked on a case that involved a female petty officer who had suffered with Bulimia. The killer had made it look like the Petty Officer had committed suicide because the Navy had found out about her Bulimia and she had been medically discharged. It was only after NCIS was brought in to investigate that it had been discovered that the killer, who was the officers ex-boyfriend had not only spread her secret, but he had been a big trigger in the early stages of her illness.

FLASHBACK

Gibbs looked at the dead petty officers body sadly. The girl was a mess, bruised knuckles, low electrolyte levels, an irregular heartbeat and her throat was badly damaged from what Ducky had described as

"Years of forcing herself to throw up Jethro"

He couldn't understand why anyone, least of all a young girl who seemed to have everything going for her, would do this to themselves. As if reading his mind Ducky had tried his best to explain the illness.

"You see Jethro, Bulimia is an eating disorder and is a psychological condition. It is characterised by episodes of bingeing and purging, accompanied by feelings of guilt and self-loathing. The poor girl you see on this table did not choose to make herself feel this way, but used the bingeing and purging as a coping method. In the start Bulimics think they can control there bingeing and purging, but before long it becomes an addiction and they can't stop. As the disease progresses they lose more and more control. Some get better and some don't. I think if this poor girl wasn't murdered, by the state her bodies in, I think she would've been lucky to last another 6 months"

"Well why didn't she just stop Duck? Why if it was hurting her so much didn't she just stop?" He had asked

"Well my dear Jethro, as scared as she would have been living with her illness, she would have been more scared to live without it. Her Bulimia became her identity and without it she would feel lost. Also telling an eating disordered person to just "get over it, and get better" is like telling a person with cancer to just jump out of bed, and get rid of the cancer themselves. Sometimes these things just don't "go away" they can be improved with time, but some people just never fully heal"

END FLASHBACK

Gibbs stood up as he saw Tony and Ziva emerge from the door leading to the stairwell

_Ah, so that's where she likes to hide_ he thought,

_Well I will; be taking note of that for the future_

Gibbs looked at Ziva in the eye for a minute, trying to see what was going on in her mind.

Gripping her upper arm, so as to make sure she wouldn't try and run away again, he simply said

"You're coming with me"

Whilst dragging her into the elevator, and into autopsy where a very expectant Doctor Mallard was waiting.

After seating her down on one of the autopsy tables, Gibbs left autopsy to give them some privacy.

Ducky remained silent as he observed Ziva's fidgeting. He could sense that she had some idea about the reason as to why she now sitting in autopsy alone with him, but waited to see if she wanted to say something first. Whilst she seemed content to look down and stare at her hands, he quietly walked over to the doors and locked them, as he did not have the energy to run after her, should she try to leave. He also wanted to see how she would react when she found that she was "locked in". He knew that if he was right about what was going on with her, then she would react angrily, but it also might get her to talk. She needed to know that she couldn't keep running away from her emotions and the people that cared about her, and that's exactly what he intended on showing her.

"So my dear, care to tell me how long you have had an eating disorder for" he asked casually carefully watching her body language.

At the words "eating disorder" her head snapped up and instinctively she tried to run. However she discovered the door was locked and that was the last straw for her, as she ran around autopsy punching and kicking anything she could get her hands on. She was tired of people probing into things that didn't concern her, and she didn't deal well with conflict.

As her angry lessened she sunk into a corner on the floor and began sobbing wishing for the ground to open up and swallow her up. In her rage of emotions she had totally forgotten that Dr Mallard was still in the room, and still quietly observing her.

None of that mattered now, all she knew was that in that moment. She wanted to die.


	10. Trapped

**Chapter 10: Trapped**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

Ziva continued to cry herself out, still curled in a ball in the corner. She wished the older man would just leave, as she knew later on she would have to punish herself for breaking down in front of the older man, but for now there was nothing she could think of that would help her lessen her sobs.

Ducky watched the young woman, but kept his distance. He was at a complete loss as to how exactly he should approach her since he had never before seen her so upset.

Not wanting her to feel trapped any longer he unlocked the doors and slowly walked out giving her some privacy, and some time for him to think things through. He did not realise however that this was not the right thing to do.

_See he's left you, just like everyone else. You broke down, you weak stupid girl, and he has left you. He doesn't care, he's just like everyone else._

Ziva slowly stood up, exiting autopsy and silently running out of the Navy yard as quickly as possible, she would run home as soon as possible, all the while silently praying that someone would try and stop her. Praying that someone would show her that they cared.

Xxxxxxxx

Gibbs walked into interrogation 1, where an ashen faced Dr Mallard was waiting for him. Ducky had called him five minutes ago, quickly explaining that they needed to talk, and mentioned something about an intervention.

"Duck what's going on? And what's this about an intervention?" he asked confusion clearly written across his face

"Ziva is more sick than I first thought Jethro, she is aware of what is going on, but seems to have no intention of getting better and when confronted just tries to run. It's not going to be easy to get through to her." Ducky explained

"Well what do we do Duck? Maybe I should get her to stay with me for a while? This way I could keep an eye on her." Gibbs asked already mentally making a note to clean up a room for her in his house.

"No Jethro, not just yet. I think for now we need to pretend that none of this happened. We need to see exactly what she's doing first. We need proof, otherwise she's just going to keep running. The more you try to control her right now, the more she is going to push back." He said worry still in his voice. Ducky did not want to let her continue to self-destruct any more than Jethro did, but after what he saw in autopsy earlier, now was not the right time to confront the young woman. He was also being slightly hopeful, that maybe after what happened today she might try to change on her own.

Gibbs stood and stared at Ducky for a moment trying to process all the information that was just given to him. He didn't want Ziva to get any worse, but at the same time he had no idea how to handle the situation. For now he decided, he would follow the doctor's order, but if he thought she was getting any worse than it was time to take matters into his own hands.

"And DiNozzo and McGee, what do I tell them?" he asked, knowing that they too had realised something was different about the young woman.

"Simply tell them, that Ziva is still adjusting back to normal life after Somalia. Just explain to them that she needs space" was the answer he received.

Jethro nodded for a moment, fumbling for his phone as it started to ring.

"Uh huh, ok, yep we're on our way" he said before snapping the phone shut.

"Come on Duck, we got a dead marine in Quantico" he barked quickly snapping back into the no nonsense Gibbs that Ducky knew so well.

Both men quickly exited the room to grab both their teams and their gear.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva sat alone on her couch feeling completely numb.

Tony had txt asking "where the hell are you" to which she had replied "Gone home early just feeling nauseous".

She was surprised she had not received an answer from him, but then again why would she? She was not worth caring about.

_Push them away, they can't get too close, they can't get involved _her head screamed

Ziva held her head in her hands for the second time that day. She was so tired of fighting, everything in her head and it seemed easier to just give into it, and not to fight anymore. She wanted to just self-destruct and to be left alone doing it. When she felt that she had reached her lowest point, then and only then could she ask for the level of support she needed, but she couldn't do that yet.

She knew if people could hear her inner thoughts they would think of what she was doing as a choice. But it wasn't. She wanted to get better, but her head wouldn't allow her too just yet, and her greatest fear was failure. If she recovered now before hitting her end goal, then she would have failed. Again. There would be no more failures, she just couldn't handle anymore.

Ziva stood up, walking into her kitchen to check the clock on the wall. It was 1300, and time seemed to be flying past today. She had an appointment with Katrina at 1700, which she was relieved about. She loved her Drs because everything she said to them was confidential which meant NCIS had no chance of finding out what was going on, and sometimes talking to an outside person could help her see things more clearly. Sometimes it was just more of a relief at getting everything out.

She quickly changed into running clothes, exited her apartment and began to run.


	11. Head Doctors

**Chapter 11: Head Doctors**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

Ziva sat outside Katrina's consulting suites, nervously fidgeting. Clinical Psychologist Katrina Mavis had been treating Katrina for the past 6 months. Professional help was still very new to Ziva, as she had been used to keeping things to herself for so long. She was always nervous before the appointments with any of the doctors she saw for her Ed, often becoming paranoid that they would become sick of her an not wanting to continue treating her, or that they wouldn't believe her when she said things as she was still a healthy weight.

_Your fat, and they will see through you soon enough. Your too much trouble, there's so many other girls out there they should be helping and not you_

Ziva closed her eyes, trying to block out the thoughts in her head. Part of her really enjoyed these sessions, because although they could be emotionally draining, it often helped to get all the emotions out, and learn constructive ways of dealing with them. She would often go home and write notes about what she learnt so that when she was truly ready to get better she would have the healthy tools that she needed.

"Ziva" came the singsong voice of Katrina. Katrina was South African in descent and truly a beautiful woman, both inside and out. Tall, long legged, thin and very pretty Ziva was pretty sure that she would hate her if she wasn't such a beautiful person.

After following Katrina into her office and settling herself down on one of the large couches, she resumed her nervous fidgeting. The first question that was always asked was "So how have you been" to which she usually answered "fine" or "okay" with a tone of voice that implied that she wasn't exactly perfectly ok, but she wasn't a complete mess either. Today however she knew she was far from fine, and was worried about what would be said about that.

"So Ziva" Katrina started "How have you been doing since the last time I saw you"

"Um, well, um I'm still alive I suppose" Ziva replied in a small voice.

The last time she had seen Katrina was when she had just gotten back from Somalia, and she felt like she was keeping everything together by a thread. Whilst it had been a relief to see Katrina so soon afterwards, she felt like she needed to be positive and grateful about everything, since she knew that she was lucky to be alive.

Now however, all that positivity was lost on her, and she wasn't sure whether being alive was a good thing, or not.

"Is that a good thing, do you think?" Katrina asked as if reading her mind

_Damn woman, I don't want to talk about this. I'm going to sound stupid, and selfish and she's going to hate me._

"Sometimes I think it is, sometimes I think it isn't. I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up again" Ziva replied hiding her head in hands. Suicide had been on her mind a lot lately, and it was one of the topics she was least comfortable about discussing.

"Ok, so by the sounds of it you have thought a lot about suicide recently?" Katrina asked, frowning with worry whilst watching the young woman in front of her. She knew things were not good for Ziva at the moment, but she also knew how strongly the young woman felt against suicide because to put it in Ziva's words "Well it would be easy for me, I would be dead. But I couldn't leave everyone else behind". So she knew that for Ziva to contemplate it seriously meant things were not good at all.

_I don't like where this is heading, no tell her everything. No don't tell her anything. No just DO IT_

"I nearly overdosed a week ago" she blurted out, fighting back the tears that were forming in her eyes. If nothing else she would NOT cry in front of Katrina. Not today.

"Oh no, please tell me what brought you to this Ziva. What made you think killing yourself was a good idea?" came the reply in the softest pleading voice Ziva had heard from the older woman.

Flashback

_I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this _she had though holding her head in her hands and rocking back and forth

_You're a disgrace, your fat and useless, you're a disgusting person and a monster. Your family would be better off without you. Nobody needs you, you're a lump a fat lump, and a waste of space. You're a failure and you will never be anybody _her head kept screaming repeating the ugly words over and over again.

Ziva had pulled out her diary, trying to write away the feelings in a desperate attempt at calming down.

_Dear Diary,_

_I want to die. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't handle all the yelling and screaming in my head. I have Seroquel next to me, I could just take all of that. Then I would be gone. I want to disappear and I don't want to do this anymore._

She put down the pen, and the book, calmly standing up with the box of medication in her hand and a glass of water in the other.

Walking into the bathroom, she sat down and in between the silent tears that were streaming down her face, started to empty the entire box of tablets. Her hands were shaking but her mind was fixed on one thought.

_I need to do this, I want to be gone_

Just before she started to put the first lot of medication in her mouth, she thought back to all the people she would leave behind. She thought about her family, both deceased and alive, her doctors and her co-workers. Her mind was running a million miles an hour, but guilt was also starting to sink in, and guilt was one emotion she could not handle well at all.

_You can't, think about everyone else. Don't be so selfish. No just do it. Be gone they don't need you. No you can't do this, do this and Tali died in vain. She was killed, but you have a choice, don't do this._

As soon as she thought of her sister, she knew her evil head had lost in its battle to kill her. Her sister was one of the main people that had kept her going all those years, and even though she was no longer with the living, her memory still remained a strong motivation for Ziva to keep going.

She slowly stood up and washed her face, now feeling completely numb. She stared in the mirror and the realisation of what she was about to do, hit her like a tonne of bricks. She was going to stay alive for now, even if was just for today. From now on she would take things day by day.

End Flashback

"I just didn't want to do this anymore, I'm done fighting. My head can win from now on, I don't care anymore" Ziva said, a sadness in her eyes that she just couldn't shake. She couldn't understand why it was so hard to be normal. She didn't want people to worry about her, but her thoughts were scaring her, and she didn't know how to be normal anymore.

Katrina looked on sadly, whilst thinking what to say to the young woman next. She wished that she could flick a switch in Ziva's head to show her what a kind and beautiful person she was. She often wished she could do this with all her patients, young women and sometimes men as well all with their own stories to tell. But the underlying message was often the same.

None of them felt good enough.


	12. Breaking Down

**Chapter 12: Breaking Down**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

Gibbs walked down into his basement, sighing in relief as he picked up his tools so he could start working on his boat. He always found the repetitive motion of sanding the boat down relaxing, and today he needed that more than anything.

He was still trying to come to terms with Ziva's _illness_. He couldn't believe she was sick, it was just well it was Ziva. The strong, intelligent woman, who always was willing to help anyone, and who always had a smile on her face.

_But then again, even her smile seems off lately. How did I not see this coming? _Gibbs thought to himself. He prided himself on always knowing what was going on with his team, and yet he seemed to have missed something so obvious. One of his team was desperately ill, and for the first time he was powerless to stop it. He wanted more than anything to put a stop to it, to hold Ziva tight and tell her that what she was doing to herself was not ok, and it had to stop RIGHT NOW. Bu he knew he couldn't and Duckies voice rang through his ears.

_"Don't try and control her Jethro"_ he had said _"I know you want to hold her, and make it all go away. But you can't do this for her. The more controlling you try to be, the more she's going to fight back. She will come to you when and only when, she is ready." _

He put his sanding tools down, whilst making his way back upstairs for some much needed sleep.

As he turned the light of in the basement, all he could think of was

_Ziva please let me help you, I will do anything to make the pain go away._

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva returned to her apartment after her session with Katrina. She always felt lighter after seeing her, as if a bit of the emotional weight she was carrying around was lifted. However the one emotion she couldn't shake off after these sessions was guilt. She always felt as if she had wasted Katrina's time, there were others out there that needed the help so badly and were unable to access it, and yet here she was. She knew logically that this wasn't true and that she needed the help just as much as anyone else, but it seemed as if the logical side of her brain wasn't functioning very well at the moment.

Her grumbling stomach brought her back to reality. It was then she realised that she hadn't had anything, except for green tea all day. She knew that she should really eat something, even if it was just something small, but instead walked into the bathroom and after stripping stood on the scales.

116

She stared at the number for a moment, before jumping off and quickly re-dressing. She was a pound down from this morning, and this slightly lifted her mood. It was still too much but it was something, and she knew if she went to bed now, thus avoiding food she would be even less in the morning.

Xxxxxxxx

The next morning Ziva walked into the bullpen at exactly 0500 hours. She had decided last night that she would continue to keep a calm and slightly cheery façade in front of everyone in the hopes that the team would just leave her alone. She was fine, and now she just needed everyone else to see that.

The scale this morning had read at 114 and even though that was 2 pounds down, it just wasn't enough to stop her frustration at it all. Why couldn't the weight loss be quicker? She was barely eating as it was, so why wasn't her body losing the weight faster?

_Maybe because you're still eating, eating like a fat person, so no wonder you still are_

Ziva stopped in front of her desk suddenly as her head started formulating its new evil plan. She sat down at her desk and began to write.

Xxxxxxxx

Gibbs smiled a small smile when he walked into the bullpen at 0600 hours and saw Ziva at her desk writing quite contently as she always did. He had always suspected that even though the young women lived alone, that she still used the extra hour as her quiet time, and as a way for her to prepare for the day. This is what he did also, and he couldn't for the life of him understand how DiNozzo seemed to always be running late.

"How you feeling today Ziva" Gibbs called quietly from his desk, still unsure of the reaction that would bring after the previous few days events.

"I'm fine thanks Gibbs" came the response from the young women, still intent on her writing. She smirked as she heard Gibbs let out a small sigh of relief. Did people not understand what fine was? Fine was:

Fucked Up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

But when you told people you were fine they took it quite literally. Ziva smirked to herself again as she thought of all this.

_This really is going to be too easy, all I have to do is smile and they will think I am fine._

_Xxxxxxxx_

"Ziva lets go" Tony half shouted whilst making his way to the elevator.

Tony watched as Ziva looked at him slightly dazed, before quickly standing up and grabbing her gear. Tony's eyes narrowed in concern as the young woman grabbed the desk slightly as if she was going to collapse. As she neared the elevator however she seemed steady so Tony decided to leave her for now.

Whilst in the elevator there was an awkward silence that was very rare on the Gibbs team. Usually Gibbs would be barking orders, Tony would be making one of his teenage jokes, McGee would be rolling his eyes and silently wishing Tony would shut up, and more often than not Ziva would be threatening Tony with death by paperclip if he didn't shut up.

Today however there was silence.

Ziva was uncomfortable and couldn't wait for the ride to end, as she was fairly sure that the other 3 team members had their eyes trained on her, ready for her to slip up so they could jump in and offer their opinion about what was wrong with her. She knew they did it out of love for her, but at the moment she just wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

_I wish they would all stare at something else they are making me feel like a freak. _

_That's because you are a freak, a lazy fat freak so no wonder they are staring at you. Instead of wishing they wouldn't look, do something about it. LOSE WEIGHT_

Xxxxxxxx

The team arrived back at NCIS physically and emotionally drained. The victim a 46 year old Marine, and a father of three young children had been brutally tortured, murdered and then the body dumped in a dumpster in some of the more dangerous parts of town. Because his arms, and genitals had been chopped off, the team had spent most of the morning with the gruesome and unbelievably sad task of finding the missing body parts for Ducky.

The three younger agents returned to NCIS whilst Gibbs went to speak to the now widowed wife of the man, a task that none of the three younger agents envied him for.

"Jeezes I think it's time for lunch!" Tony exclaimed whilst rummaging through his desk drawer in search of a takeout menu.

"I still don't understand how you can witness something like that and then automatically think of food" McGee replied, even though he too was pulling out his home packed lunch.

"Ah well McHungry a man's got to eat. How else am I going to function well enough to help solve this case" Tony replied as he started dialling the number to his favourite pizza place.

Ziva sat at her desk emotionally drained. It saddened her to think that there was so many people out there dying or being murdered, and yet here she was. Eating disorders were their own form of slow suicide, and sometimes in her work it made her feel guilty to think that these people had no choice in their death and here she was slowly falling towards it.

But even the guilt she felt then was nothing in comparison to the guilt she felt when she even though about eating food. It was a never ending cycle and it was driving her crazy.

"I'm going for a walk" she announced suddenly and quickly exited the room. She needed space and somewhere quiet. Somewhere where she could be alone with her thoughts.

Tony just nodded his head and continued talking on the phone. For him the most important thing to do right at that very minute was to order a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

McGee however watched her go sadly. He still couldn't quite pinpoint what was going on with her yet. All he knew was that it wasn't the Ziva he had once known and loved.

Xxxxxxxx

She kept walking through the NCIS building until she found her favourite stairwell. It was the stairs that led down to the evidence garage, but since everyone was too lazy to take the stairs and only took the elevator, it was always deserted and was the perfect place to hide if you needed to. Ziva shivered at the thought of what would happen if anyone actually did ever find her down there, because it was usually the place she ran to when she just needed some space.

She sat down and placed her head in her hands waiting for the tears that she knew would come. Because she kept everything so locked up all the time, it often took a while for all her emotions to seep out. Sometimes they did, and sometimes they didn't but she always preferred when they did, because even though it gave her head reason to scream about how weak she was even more it meant that she didn't need to self-harm in order to feel something.

After about 5 minutes of just sitting with her hands in her knees rocking back and forth, the tears started to flow, and her body started to shake with the force of her emotions. This was a state that she didn't want people to see, for fear that they would discover that she wasn't as strong and together as she pretended to be.

What she didn't realise was that people were starting to see through the cracks in her steely façade, and they wanted nothing more than to help her.


	13. Evil Plans

**Chapter 13: Evil Plans **

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

108

It had been two weeks since Ziva had weighed herself last. She was eating less than 500 calories a day, and was beginning to feel weak and irritable all the time. She knew logically that this was due to her lack of intake, but the voice in her head was just too strong.

_Run, Run, Run _

Ziva quickly dropped her bag in the bullpen and headed towards the elevator. It was 0500 hours and as usual she was the first one of her team to arrive in the Navy Yard. She had made a habit of coming in to work early, so she could get an hours run in, before having a quick shower and being ready to work by 0630.

She was so deep in thought that she didn't notice Gibbs walking into the bullpen from MTAC. He sighed as he watched the young Israeli walk into the elevator and disappear out of sight.

_She definitely looks thinner. I hope she's ok._

Gibbs shook his head at the thought, whilst making a mental note to keep a closer eye in her.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva walked into the bullpen at exactly 0630 hours. She felt much lighter than she had an hour and a half ago, running always seemed to calm the storm inside her head somewhat. She settled down into her chair and started sifting through the case reports that she needed to type up. She tried to focus on the task at hand, but her mind kept wandering off thinking of calories, exercise and food.

She was pulled out of her trance however when a steaming cup of black coffee was placed on her desk.

"Thankyou Gibbs that's just what I needed." She said smiling gratefully at the older man.

"No problems David, I thought you might need it after that early run this morning" Gibbs replied whilst making his way up to the director's office.

_How on earth does he know that?_

Ziva watched Gibbs walk into the director's office in amazement. It did always seem that Gibbs always knew everything. Well she though smirking to herself. Not everything.

Xxxxxxxx

"Grab your gear, dead Naval officer in Quantico" came the barked order from Special Agent Gibbs.

Ziva immediately jumped up and grabbed her gear. The team was just about to settle down to lunch, and the look on Tony's face was just priceless.

"What a waste of a completely good kebab" Tony grumbled.

"Maybe you'll lose some of this" Ziva replied cheekily whilst patting Tony's stomach.

McGee laughed at the interaction which earned him a head slap from Tony.

"Are you coming or WHAT?"

"On it Boss" the three younger agents yelled and ran towards the elevator.

Xxxxxxxx

The team returned back to the naval yard, after processing the crime scene.

It was dark by the time they returned and all four agents were eager to start heading off home.

Ziva was exhausted having not eaten anything all day. She felt a surge of pride run through her body, and for once the voice in her head seemed to quieten somewhat.

She hid the small smile that was threatening to show on her lips, and started to pack her bag so she could go home. She was just about to leave when she noticed McGee and DiNozzo coming towards her with smirks on their faces.

"So Ziiivaaa we are taking you out for pizza tonight" Tony stated, the huge boy like grin spreading on his face.

"Yes and you have no choice but to come" McGee said picking up Ziva's backpack, as he proceeded to walk towards the elevator.

Ziva looked at the two male agents, trying to conceal the horror and panic that was welling up inside of her.

_SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, they are just trying to make me more fat _

But she knew that if she refused to go, it would just raise even more suspicion to her non-existent eating patterns. There was nothing to do, but go along with them and get rid of it later.

"Alright then, let's go" she replied whilst linking her arm in Tony's. She was doing her best to stay calm, and kept telling herself that it was ok. This wasn't her choice and she was going to get rid of it all later, so she might as well try and enjoy it.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva sat at the pizza parlour trying to patiently sip on her glass of coke zero as she waited for the boys to finish eating there pizza.

She had already eaten four large slice and was feeling uncomfortably full and panicked. She watched as McGee politely ate his pizza, and Tony, well Tony shovelled the food in, as if he was never going to see pizza again in his life.

She looked at the remaining slices of pizza and tried not to think about the fact that she had just eaten that. She had eaten cheese and pepperoni, both of which were practically dripping with fat and oil.

_You disgusting pig, now look what you've done. All that work and you've wasted it in an hour! _

She took one last look at the boys and then excused herself. Practically running to the bathroom she locked herself into the stall, tied her hair back, leaned over and threw up. And then threw up some more. Her body had become so used to the constant vomiting that she could do it with any amount of food. Her body had become weaker and she no longer needed to use her fingers to stimulate her gag reflex. In a way she was grateful as this mean that her knuckles no longer bore "evidence" of what she was doing, but she also knew in the long term this could be potentially dangerous.

After about ten or so minutes, she could feel the acid in her throat and she knew that she had gotten up as much as she could. She stood up slowly, feeling the blood rush through her head, and feeling the familiar dizziness that she had gotten to know so well. She washed her face and slowly made her way back to the table.

Meanwhile Tony and McGee had been understandably worried. They had nearly run into the bathroom after her, with Tony wondering aloud if they needed to call a search party.

Ziva made her way back to the table. She put her hands in her pockets so that the two male agents wouldn't see them shaking. She felt tired and exhausted, and the mask that she wore was slipping…..

Xxxxxxxx

Tony paid the bill and the three agents left the pizza parlour chatting happily. Tony and McGee had obviously decided that Ziva was ok, since they hadn't mentioned how much time she had spent in the bathroom.

Ziva was relieved that the pair of them seemed so clueless. She knew that if this outing had included Gibbs, she would be sitting in an interrogation room right now being interrogated.

"I think I'll head off home now, it's getting quite late" Ziva told the boys, hoping they hadn't planned anymore "surprises" for tonight. She was quite exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go home and get some much needed sleep.

"I'll take you home Ziva" McGee said warmly, knowing that she would prefer a quiet ride in his car, than the banging music in Tony's. Plus it might give him a bit of a chance to talk to her.

Once they were in McGee's car, Tim tried to try and get the young Israeli to talk to him.

"Are you feeling any better?" Tim asked, trying to be as careful around the subject as he could.

"Feeling better than what?" Ziva asked her voice shaking, even though she was trying to keep smiling.

"You just have looked a little off lately, that's all" Tim said, trying to keep his probing as light and friendly as possible.

"Oh yes of course, I just had a stomach bug" Ziva replied, praying that Tim would accept that excuse and stop asking questions.

"Well I'm glad you're feeling better, but if you ever need to talk I'm here ok" Tim said, but he knew that there was something that Ziva was not telling him.

Ziva was relieved when they approached her house, because it meant that the probing would stop and she could just be left alone. It was nice that McGee cared, and in a sense she wanted someone to care, but at the same time she was terrified that they would figure out her "secret" and make her stop. She couldn't stop, not yet. So she couldn't let anyone stand in the way.

Ziva bid McGee goodbye and quickly entered her apartment. Once inside she quickly took the last of her sleeping meds, making a mental note to get a new prescription for them, and lay in bed until the drugs kicked in and she could sleep.

She loved to sleep, because it was only then that she could have some peace.


	14. Cracks in the system

**Chapter 14: Cracks in the system**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

It was 1900 hours and Ziva had just returned home from the Navy yard.

It had been a quiet couple of days for the team, and they had mostly been working on cold cases. Ziva had been restless all day, and all she had wanted to do was exercise.

108

The scale was .5 of a pound more than the morning, as she had managed to finally get under 110. However this did nothing to quiet her mind. She stood with tears in her eyes as she looked into the mirror. She was just so big, and ugly.

Her fingers traced the old scars that covered her stomach. It had been 3 weeks since she last self-harmed, and in all honesty she had no idea how she had made it that long. The urges were getting stronger and stronger, and it was taking all the energy she had to not give into them. She had to leave work by 1600 hours the next day, as she had another appointment with Katrina.

_She's going to think you're a fat pig, she's going to think you're lying to her, you haven't seen her in 3 weeks and you look bigger than before!_

In reality she knew that Katrina would not judge her for her weight. Katrina knew that Ziva was always honest, when they talked as they both knew that honesty was the key, in a professional/patient relationship.

_Stupid, fat, cow, pig, stupid, fat….._

The thoughts in her head, just wouldn't stop, yelling ugly words. Sometimes it surprised her that no one else could hear them, especially when they were so loud. She also always found that when her eating wasn't doing so well, she would hallucinate, seeing flashes of objects that weren't really there and hearing her name called over and over again.

_I need a blade, where is my blade_

She all but ransacked her apartment in her desperate attempt to find one of her scalpels. She needed to self-harm more than anything, she needed the thoughts to shut the hell up and leave her alone, and she needed to feel some piece. She knew her logic was flawed and it would cause more trouble in the long run.

She found one within 5 mins, and went into the bathroom. Rolling up her pants she started to cut. She let out a small sigh of relief as the pain took over.

_You deserve this, keep going, that's not enough_

She let the tears that she had been holding onto for week, roll down her cheeks. Before she knew it she had covered her legs, stomach and arms.

_SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, YOU PATHETIC IDIOT_

She never had before cut her arms, so that people would not know that she self-harmed. The relief out of this one?

She quickly cleaned the wounds and changed into her pyjamas. She would deal with the team in the morning, but for now she was exhausted. She was tired both mentally and physically, and she had not realised how much she had been holding in, until she had let it all out.

She took her night meds, and sank into her bed, wincing as her body made contact with the mattress. Her mind still racing, the drugs took over and she fell into a deep sleep.

Xxxxxxxx

Please, please forgive me,  
>But I won't be home again.<br>Maybe someday you'll look up,  
>And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:<br>"Isn't something missing?"

Ziva awoke to the sound of her favourite of her song. She had always loved Evanescence's music, because the lyrics often told a story that she could relate to. Pop music had never really interested, nor did movies unless they had a meaningful storyline. She had never understood DiNozzo's fascination with movies, nor his endless movie references.

She quickly got out of bed, and made her way to the bathroom to complete her morning ritual. After quickly peeing the remaining water out she quickly stripped and stood onto the scale.

106

_Getting better, but still not good enough _

The joy she felt after she saw the lower number, quickly turned to anger and disgust. She was not losing this weight quickly enough but she didn't know what else to do. She was already eating under 500 calories, and running for at least an hour, on top of her work for NCIS. She would just have to be patient.

Ziva quickly go dressed, grabbed her bag and started to run. She was heading for the Navy yard, with all thoughts of last night pushed aside. She had no idea yet, what she was in for.


	15. Lies and Cover ups

**Chapter 15: Lies and Cover Ups**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

0500

Ziva arrived at the navy yard, and quickly made her way into the bullpen. She was sweating and out of breath, and wanted nothing more than a nice cold glass of water. She quickly shook off her jacket, and dropped her bag on her desk. She had forgotten about the self-harm on her arms as it was contained on her upper arms. For now.

She quickly walked towards the staff room, gulped down an ice cold glass of water, and made her way towards her desk. She settled down into her chair, and pulled out a report from the cold case that she had been working on from yesterday. The leads had all turned into dead ends, and it was with regret that she was forced to close the case again. She always found the cold cases the hardest to deal with mentally, because more often than not, there was no information that she could give to the families. At least when a body was found, or a murderer was caught they could offer the families some closure.

Xxxxxxxx

0600

Ziva barely looked up as Gibbs entered the bullpen. She was so engrossed in her report, that she didn't even hear him walking passed her.

Gibbs briefly looked over Ziva's figure, looking for abnormalities as he had become accustomed to doing lately. His eyes narrowed as he looked at her arms where her t-shirt ended. There looked like there was red lines on her upper arms.

"DAVID, interrogation room 1 NOW" he yelled, trying to calm himself down. He was about ready to strangle the younger agent, and he needed to get his anger in check before he talked to her. He knew she wouldn't respond to him if he was angry, or so he thought.

What Gibbs didn't know was that Ziva needed someone to care. She needed someone who wouldn't run, just because she wasn't ok. But because of her training she didn't respond to what some people might call "the soft approach". She needed to know that there was no way that she would get away with self-destructing, but at the same time she knew she would push the limits. She would push them just to see if that person stayed around, and once she knew there was no way she would get away with her destructive behaviours she would start to listen.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva made her way into Interrogation 1, and started pacing around. She felt sick in her stomach, because it scared her when Gibbs yelled like that. Not that she would ever admit that to anyone, especially since she was in denial about it to herself.

She had been pacing around for 40 minutes before Gibbs stormed in the door and in a very firm voice ordered her to "sit".

She did so carefully, wincing slightly from the previous night's damage. The pained look was not lost on Gibbs, as he stared her down.

"Roll up your sleeves David" Gibbs said in his best stern fatherly voice.

"But Gibbs, I have a t-shirt on, I don't have any sleeves to roll up" Ziva said smiling like she had no idea what he was talking about, and nothing was wrong.

"Now is not the time to be smart with me, you are in enough trouble as it is" the older man said, trying to keep a grip on the anger that was building up inside him. He was just trying to help, and if she didn't talk to him, then there was not much he could do. Her carefree attitude to what she was doing to himself, infuriated him. What he didn't know was that her attitude was all an act. She hated the person she had become, but was more scared to change than to keep going.

"You can either roll up your sleeves, or I will do it for you" Gibbs stated, giving her one last chance to do as he asked.

Ziva stood up and tried to bolt from the room. When confronted her first instinct was to run from the danger and get as far away as possible. She tried to open the door, but Gibbs had stealthily locked the door as he walked in. Whilst he was calming down, he had paid a visit to Ducky, to try and find out how to best handle the situation.

Flashback

"Ducky I need your help, its Ziva" Gibbs had explained whilst pacing around autopsy.

"What has our young ninja been up to now?" Ducky asked worriedly. The young agent had been on his mind a lot lately, as she had just seemed so distant. Which in his experience was not unusual for eating disorder sufferers, as their condition was worsening.

"She has cuts on her arms, and god know where else. She's looking thinner every week, and she barely talks or laughs anymore. What the hell am I going to?" Gibbs asked still pacing around and waving his arms around.

"First of all you are not going to do anything" Ducky said, whilst Gibbs glared daggers at him and started to open his mouth to talk. Ducky put his hand up to silence the younger man and continued.

"We are going to help her Jethro, whether she wants the help or not. And right now, I do believe she knows she needs the help, but will probably not be very willing to accept it. We are going to have to be patient with her, these things take time, as I've told you before Jethro."

"So what are we supposed to do Duck? Wait until she stops eating completely? Or maybe when she's shredded herself to pieces? Or better yet why don't we JUST WAIT UNTIL SHE'S DEAD!" Gibbs yelled his voice escalating at the thought of losing her. He didn't care if he had to lock her up in his basement for the rest of her life, there was just no way in hell that he was going to lose her. She was like a daughter to him.

"Jethro calm down, I am not suggesting that we wait for any of those things to happen. But the last time I tried to talk to her about her eating disorder, she tried to run. So you are going to have to make sure that she can't run from you. Have patience and stay with her, and she might open up to you. Don't abandon her."

End Flashback

Gibbs just watched as Ziva kicked and punched the locked door, both anger and terror evident on her face. He wanted to wait until she had exhausted herself before trying to talk to her, because he knew that in the state she was in at the present, she would just yell and scream, which wasn't going to be helpful at all.

After about 6 or 7 minutes, Ziva gave up trying to fight the door, and sunk to the floor. She was terrified about what she knew Gibbs was about to find out, but in that moment she was also past caring. She was tired of hiding, she had been hiding for years. She knew that he only wanted to help, but she also felt like she didn't deserve the help, especially since she deserved the pain. Couldn't he see that?

_You're pathetic, now he's going to expose you. They all thought you were so strong and look at you now! _Her head screamed.

She held her head in her hands and waited. She was waiting for Gibbs to push her aside and walk out. To brand her as "attention seeking" and "weak", and to walk out of her life, like so many others before him.

Gibbs lowered himself, so that he was sitting right opposite her. He felt that it might be easier just to let her stay in her current position, rather than trying to force her onto a chair. He also knew, that it would be harder for her to get up and run from him again.

"Ziva talk to me, tell me what's going on" Gibbs pleaded softly, trying to get the young woman in front of him to open up.

"Nothing is wrong Gibbs, I just don't like feeling like I'm trapped" she replied keeping her head down, and not daring to look at him. She hated looking at people when talking to them about her "issues" because she knew that they would see through her "I'm fine" speech. Well not all people did, but certainly Gibbs, Ducky and Katrina did. She knew her eyes showed the pain she was feeling, because that was the only crack in her mask, and it was one crack that she couldn't seem to fix.

"Then explain to me, what this is" Gibbs said, rolling up the sleeve of Ziva's t-shirt. He drew in his breath as he looked at what she had done. Blood red lines, covered her upper arms and some were deeper than others. He made a mental note to make sure she saw Ducky when they were finished their "talk" as he was sure some of them needed to be stitched up.

Ziva looked at Gibbs and then looked away. She couldn't bear to look at the expression on his face. His face was full of concern, and any anger had melted away. She knew if he didn't leave her alone soon, she would end up telling him how she was feeling. As much as she loved that he cared (as much as she hated herself for that) she still wished he would just leave her alone.

Gibbs took the young Israeli's chin in his hands and turned her head to face his. Ziva did not try to back away from the gesture, she still refused to look at him.

"Ziva look at me, look at me now" Gibbs ended his sentence firmly, as to get her attention. And it worked. Ziva looked at Gibbs for all of a second and then the floodgates opened. It was all over now.

"Gibbs I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for you to see any of this. I just needed something to take the thoughts away."

"But Ziva, don't you understand, you're hurting yourself"

"Gibbs, the voices hurt more" Ziva replied and stared at the floor once more. She knew she would sound crazy to the older man. I mean who would believe her? She knew that unless you had experienced it yourself you could never understand, and sadly there was far too many people that understood.

"Well this has to stop, do you understand. I will have none of this nonsense" Gibbs said sternly, honestly believing that he could sort the "nonsense" out then and there. He didn't understand that all this approach was going to do, was to force Ziva to shut down again, and try and hide her behaviours even more.

Ziva stared at the man in shock. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, especially after she was finally honest with him.

_See he's just like everyone else. You can't trust him, he just thinks you're being stupid._

"It's ok Gibbs, I understand, it won't happen again" she replied, making a mental note to hide everything from Gibbs at any cost.

"And you need to start eating more as well" the older agent continued sternly, honestly believing that he was sorting out the problem.

"Now let's get you up to autopsy, young lady because I want Ducky to have a look at those" Gibbs stated whilst standing up and looking at her expectantly.

Ziva sighed as she stood up, and made no complaint as Gibbs gripped her arm tightly and led her down to autopsy. She knew she may have fooled Gibbs into believing she could stop self-destructing so easily, but she knew Ducky wouldn't be so easy


	16. Getting Worse

**Chapter 16: Getting Worse**

* * *

><p>Xxxxxxxx<p>

Gibbs kept a tight hold of Ziva's arm, as they made their way down to autopsy. He didn't have the patience to chase her through the building, should she try and run off, again.

Ducky looked up from his computer as the pair walked in, a worried look taking over his face. Ziva showed no emotions, it was as if the events from the morning had made her shut down again, which is what Ducky had been afraid of. He would speak to Jethro again later, to see if he could get the full story of what had happened.

"She's all your Duck, I don't want her back until you've done a full examination" Gibbs barked as he turned on his heal and left autopsy. He felt he was due a much needed coffee break.

"Please take a seat on the table, my dear" Ducky said gesturing to a autopsy table, whilst making his way over to the door. Once he had it locked, he turned to the young woman who was nervously fidgeting on the table.

"I need you to change into this please, so I can examine you properly" Ducky said carefully handing her a gown. He had locked the door for this specific reason, because he knew that getting her to change into something that exposed her self-harm was going to be difficult.

Ziva looked at Ducky, and sighed taking the gown of the ME and quickly changing. Ducky turned as Ziva started to undress, giving her some privacy that he knew she would appreciate. He used the minutes that it took her to change to gather his thoughts, and steel himself for the task ahead.

Once she had changed, Ziva sat back on the autopsy table and stared at her hands. She knew there was no talking herself out of this one, as the ME could not be as easily fooled as Gibbs. She knew that Dr Mallard, had also recently completed a psychology degree as well, which was not helpful at all to her situation at the moment.

Ducky heard her sit down, and slowly turned a comforting expression on his face. He knew she would probably not give her the entire truth of the situation, but he needed to start somewhere. Her body told him a great deal more, than what her words would.

Ducky was silent as he rolled up the sleeves of the gown, exposing the damage she had done to her upper arms. Several of the wounds needed to be stitched up, and he was grateful that Jethro had brought her down to him. If they had waited another couple of hours it would have been too late, and the scars that are left from wounds that need to be stitched, but aren't are horrific.

"Could you please lie down my dear, I just need to check your legs and stomach" he said kindly, whilst gently pushing Ziva into a lying position. Ziva's face remained expressionless, which in Ducky's opinion was unusual not only for her, but also for someone when their "secret" is being exposed.

Ducky lifted the gown and examined her legs. It was obvious from the scarring that she had been self-harming for a while, and her legs were the first place that she started cutting. He cleaned the old wounds, and made a mental note of the new wounds that needed to be stitched. He proceeded to do the same with her stomach, before placing a blanket over the young woman, so as to keep her warm until he finished tending to her arms.

Ducky decided that the best time to question her on her self-harm would be whilst, he was stitching her up. He knew that she would know better than to try and run, when he had a needle in her, and this way he wouldn't have to worry about trying to wait until she was calm enough to talk.

"Ziva why did you do this to yourself?" he gently probed as he was getting the anaesthetic ready.

"I just wanted the voices to stop, cutting makes me feel better. My head is peaceful when I focus on the pain" she answered in a low voice.

"My dear if you are in that much emotional pain, then we need to get you some help. You cannot continue on like this" Ducky replied sadly. He could understand from a textbook point of view, how people got to this point, but it pained him to see someone he loved going through it.

"It's ok Ducky, I already see a psychologist. I'm seeing her today actually, and like I told Gibbs I'm not going to do it anymore." Ziva replied praying that Ducky would just accept that and leave her alone.

_You've done it now David, he thinks you're an attention seeking freak!_

"Well my dear I'll take your word for it for now, but if this continues we are going to have to get you to see a psychiatrist. That way we can send you somewhere safe" Dr Mallard said carefully. He knew he was skating on thin ice as it was, and he had no intention of upsetting her more than she already was.

"Of course Ducky, I understand" Ziva replied, giving the doctor a weak smile. She was torn between being relieved and angry. Relieved that he was buying her story, and angry that she had managed to push him away. She couldn't win.

Ducky worked in silence for another 2 hours, fixing as much of the damage as he could. The stitches would dissolve on their own, but he did warn her to be careful when doing fieldwork, because they could easily be undone. What he didn't tell her was that he was going to speak to Jethro to make sure she wasn't out on the field for a week. She needed the time to physically heal.

Xxxxxxxx

1100

Ziva made her way up into the bullpen slowly. She was in no mood for Tony's teasing, and god only knows what she was going to tell them, as to why she was 4 hours late for work.

"Hey Zivvvaaa where have you been all morning?" Tony asked, curious as usual.

"None of your business Tony, where's Gibbs?" she asked, trying her best to not look as if she couldn't move around properly.

"She's in the Directors office" McGee replied, surveying the younger agent. There was definitely something up with her, and she had bandages on her upper arms. He knew better than to pry, but he was still worried as to what could have happened to her.

_Great, he's probably told Jenny. Soon the whole building is going to know how pathetic and useless you are. _

Ziva nodded her head at McGee and sat down at her desk. She was just about to pull out the cold cases when Gibbs came running down the stairs, mobile in his hand.

"Gear up, dead naval officer in the Pentagon" Gibbs yelled, and the team immediately jumped up and grabbed their bags.

"Not you David, take the cold cases and work on them down in autopsy with Ducky."

Ziva looked at Gibbs with a mixture of shock and anger, though the latter was taking over.

"No arguments David, Director's orders. I'll deal with you more when I get back now GO" he shouted the last direction in order to make sure she listened.

Tony and Tim, looked on with shock as she gave Gibbs her best death glare and exited the room with a stack of folders in her arm.

"I'll be ringing Ducky to make sure your there" Gibbs yelled after her, watching as she went into the elevator. He then turned back to the two male agents and gave them a look that meant no questions were to be asked.

"Hey Duck, she there, yep, good, ok see you when we get back" Gibbs snapped his phone shut, and signalled to the younger men, and then they left for the Pentagon.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva walked down to autopsy with a furious expression on her face. She was not a child and she certainly didn't need babysitting!

_Don't you though? You need someone to look after you, it would be nice to let someone else have the control for a while._

_No SHUT UP you idiot, they are going to ruin you. You were just starting to get somewhere and now you're going to stay a fat cow._

"Ah Miss David, I have set up a desk for you right over hear" Ducky said kindly whilst gesturing towards the empty desk. The first time he had seen the young woman today she had looked expressionless, and it had reminded him of his dead bodies. Now however he could feel the anger radiating off her.

Ziva made her way over to the desk that Ducky was pointing to. At least he hadn't locked her in this time!

"Before we start Ziva, I need you to hand over all your weapons. I will give them back to you in a week"

The anger on Ziva's face quickly turned to horror.

"You mean to tell me, that I will be out and down here for a week?" She asked the colour draining from her face.

"Consider yourself lucky that it was only a week, I should and could have recommended a psych evaluation and I think both you and I know you wouldn't have passed. Behave yourself when you're down here and it will only be a week" the ME replied sternly. He needed her to know that she was doing this to help her and not punish her, but he couldn't let her back out onto the field whilst her stiches were healing.

Ziva glared at him angrily, but started handing over her weapons. She knew she had no choice, as Ducky was right about the psych evaluation. She hadn't even thought about that!

Once she had handed over all her guns, including her backup she looked at Ducky as to what to do next. But the Dr was not as easily conned as she thought.

"I said all your weapons Ziva, and that definitely includes your knife" Ducky said in a authoritive voice that brooked no arguments.

Ziva glared once again and handed over the knife, before settling herself down into the chair to start working. She had a feeling this was going to be a very long week.

Xxxxxxxx

1545

It had been a long day, with both the young agent and the ME working silently. Jimmy Palmer had returned to the Navy yard at 1400 with the body of a female naval officer. The officer had been badly beaten and then strangled, and Ducky was just getting started on his autopsy.

"Ducky may I please be excused? I need to get going now" Ziva asked as politely and calmly as she could. She was still embarrassed that Ducky had seen everything she had done to herself, and she was still angry that he had taken away all of her weapons.

"You don't usually finish work until at least 1700 hours Ziva. Is there something wrong?" Dr Mallard asked concern evident in his voice.

"I have an appointment with my psychologist at 1630 hours Ducky" she replied in a small voice.

"Of course my dear, please go up and let Jethro know you are leaving though" he said watching her reaction. She seemed resigned to her fate for the moment, as she just nodded and didn't bother to try and argue.

"Also Ziva, just so you are aware, I will need to examine you everyday until those stitches dissolve to make sure they are still ok" Ducky knew that this would not go down well, so he was watching for her reaction.

"Every day Ducky? Why every day? Isn't it enough that I'm stuck down here not doing anything?" she asked, her voice rising with every word. She was so close to losing it, but she was trying to keep herself together.

"Yes everyday my dear, the fastest way to get back out onto the field, is to cooperate with me. This way you will be only down here for a week" he replied watching as she nodded and exited autopsy.

Ziva however was beyond furious. Wasn't it enough that they were treating her like a child? That she was forced to study cold cases every day, when everyone else was doing their usual work?

_Stuff Gibbs, I'm going. Ducky can let him know I've left, I'm not a child._

With that she left the Navy Yard and headed to Katrina's office.

_Thank God I'm seeing Katrina today, I need it, _she thought as she made her way into Katrina's waiting room, and waited for her to call her.


	17. Shattered

**Chapter 17: Shattered**

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva sat in Katrina's office, her head in her hands. There had been so much that had happened within the last week, and now to many people knew too much of her highly guarded secret.

She had wrapped herself in a blanket, her cocoon of safety. She could feel the anxiety pounding though her and she couldn't stop the shaking.

After Katrina had given her patient a glass of water, she watched patiently as Ziva seemed ti struggle with her own internal thoughts.

"What has happened Ziva to trigger this? I have never seen you like this before. Katrina asked worriedly. She had been seeing Ziva for a while now and there had never been so much anxiety and panic.

Ziva rocked up and down trying to find the words that would express how she was feeling.

"I just can't do this anymore, I'm done with the shit in my head, I want it to stop and it just never fucking goes away, and I'm so done" Ziva replied tears streaming down her face.

"Has something happened at work? Katrina knew that Ziva kept up the perfect mask for work, but she also knew that she was struggling to do that at the moment.

"They know, they found out, and now I feel as if I'm being watched like a child who can't look after herself" She cried, her body shaking by the force of her distress.

"Ok, well let's go back to that for a minute. You say they know, what exactly do they know?" Katrina asked trying to grasp how serious the consequences of such knowledge would be.

"They found out about the self-harm, they know about the eating disorder and now I just don't know what to do."

"Did you expect that you would be able to hide it forever? Katrina asked, sympathy lacing her words.

"I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it forever, but I wasn't ready for it to be exposed that soon" she cried tears still streaming down her face. She had never cried in front of Katrina and at that very moment she felt like the weakest person in the world.

"Let's take a step back for a moment and look at your options" Katrina replied making notes on her notebook.

Ziva looked at her in disbelief, because at the moment she wasn't seeing any options.

"First of all you could speak to Gibbs and Dr Mallard, and explain what is going on, I could be there for you as well and that way I can with your permission show them the reports that I have already compiled for you."

"What's the second option" Ziva asked, terrified of revealing her secret to Gibbs and Ducky, especially when she had hid it so well for so long.

"Well the second option would to go on pretending that there is nothing wrong. This may work for a while but there will be feelings of betrayal and hurt. Ultimately you will lose their trust, and isn't that the one thing that your team relies on? Trust.

Katrina tried to explain this as gently as possible to Ziva, because she could feel how terrified she was because the emotions were radiating so strongly out of her.

Still in tears Ziva thought about the two options. Yes telling Gibbs and Ducky would be hard but ultimately she knew it would be the best option. She had come to regard the team as family and she would let nothing come between this. Not even her eating disorder.

She could feel the tears slowly subsiding, and it felt like a big weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She had hidden her illness for so long and it had been a long and lonely battle, it would be nice to have people who cared and could look after her.

Her session with Katrina continued, and they explored Ziva's thoughts and feelings surrounding work, relationships and personal time. Katrina also wanted to address the issue of Ziva's self-harm but thought that that would be better kept for their next session.

Ziva thanked Katrina as she slowly left the office and headed home. It had been a emotionally tiring day and she wanted nothing more than a hot bath, and then a good nights sleep.


	18. Gibb's control

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva woke up, feeling peaceful. She had had the best night's sleep that she had in a long time. She felt like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders, even though she was slightly scared of the consequences that she would have to face when she entered the bullpen. She brushed her teeth, got dressed and then started running towards NCIS.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva arrived breathless from her morning run. It was exactly 0500 hours and Gibbs car was already parked in the reserved parking.

_Shit, what does he want with me this early, _I'm fucked she thought as she slowly made her way up the stairs towards the bullpen.

She made her way up the last flight of stairs and approached her desk cautiously. She looked at it anger seething in her veins. Gibbs had removed anything sharp: scissors, stapler, the letter opener, pens and her gear for a case.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING" Ziva screamed, the anger building up with every word.

"David, first of all do not shout at me like that, you are in enough trouble as it is, secondly until you can prove that you can be trusted to not harm yourself this is the way things are going to be and there will be certain rules you will be expected to follow" Gibb's replied his voice low and firm.

Ziva turned and stalked off heading for her favourite stairwell, she cursed at herself for not bringing her blades with her, as all she needed and wanted to do was cut. She needed the pain to clear her head. She put her head in her hands, and as the anger started to subside she began to cry.

Xxxxxxxx

Back in the bullpen Gibb's was writing his list of rules for Ziva. He would give her a hard copy as well as an electronic copy so that she had no reason "to lose" them.

Rule 1: Ducky will perform a full physical assessment each morning, to ensure there were no cuts and also to keep track of any weight loss.

Rule 2: Ziva would not be allowed to lose any weight below 100 pounds.

Rule 3: Ziva's weapons would be kept locked under Gibb's desk and would only be given to Ziva when a case came up, after the case she would hand the weapons back to Gibb's where they would be locked up again.

Rule 4: Ziva would see a psychiatrist weekly, a psychologist weekly, and a dietician fortnightly.

Rule 5: Ziva would eat according to the meal plan that the dietician described.

Rule 6: Gibbs would pick Ziva up from her house at 0530 hours to ensure that she was not running from her house to the navy yard.

Gibbs looked at his list of rules. He felt they were strict but fair. Ducky wasn't so pleased.

_Flashback_

_Gibbs I've told you this already the more you try and control her the more she will fight back. Anorexia is a dangerous disease and a very clever one. That coupled with the extensive training Ziva has had, she will defy your rules at every turn and you won't even know about it._

_Ducky your just overreacting, I've got this under control don't worry_

_End Flashback_

Ziva calmed down and began to run up and down the stairs, once she had done 100 laps she felt safe and calm enough to walk back into the bullpen. She was prepared to take Gibbs head on, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

_You are in control, don't let some stupid man think he can destroy you, you are STRONGER THAN THIS_

That all familiar voice which was usually shouting and calling her ugly words was now on her side. Together they would get through this.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva walked back into the bullpen and acted as if nothing was wrong. She watched as Tony and Tim were arguing yet again, but could see no sign of Gibbs. She let out a breath that she didn't even know that she was holding in, and turned to her desk to sit down.

However on her desk was an envelope addressed to her in what she recognized as Gibb's writing. She smirked a little as she fumbled to open the envelope thinking that it was a apology letter explaining that he had just been pig headed and ignorant.

Her smirk turned to an evil glare that would have scared even the toughest arms dealer.

"Where is Gibbs?" she asked her hands and body shaking with anger.

"MTAC with the director" McGee replied slightly fearful of Ziva. In all the time he had known her and all the cases she had done, he had never seen her look so angry or evil.

Ziva ran up the stairs at lightning pace the letter all but torn in her hands, after getting through the security clearance and entering MTAC she walked straight up to Gibbs practically eye to eye with him and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK IT THIS. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE FUCKING DOING? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD? THIS DISEASE IS MINE AND MINE PNLY, IT'S MY FUCKING BODY AND I WILL DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT.

"Ziva I think you need to calm down, so we can talk about this rationally" the director replied scared at the young agent's distress.

"I WILL NOT FUCKING CALM DOWN, AND YOU CAN HAVE YOUR STUPID PAPER AS WELL" she said throwing the paper at Gibbs and stalking out of the room. She needed to go somewhere, anywhere but here.

Gibbs watched Ziva leave, and for the first time in his life was speechless. He knew that she wasn't going to take it well, but he didn't think she would react like that either.

It was Director Shepard that broke the silence. "Gibbs don't you think you were being a little too harsh? Maybe you could have explained it to her, so that she felt like you were caring for her rather than making it sound like she's in the marines? Jenny asked whilst waiting for the older man's reaction. If there was anyone who could get through to Jethro it was Jenny.

Jethro rubbed his head in frustration. All he wanted to do was wrap Ziva up and take all the pain she was going through. Ducky had described it as "mental torture" and the statistics weren't good 20% of those with Anorexia died from their illness, 60% made a full recovery free from thoughts and behaviours and 20% remained living with it. A half-life essentially. He just wanted Ziva to get well, but he was clueless as to how to help her. Jenny seemed to be able to read his mind and interrupted his thoughts. "She's going to need time Jethro, especially after this morning. She feels like you're controlling her and the tighter the grip you have the more she will fight and then it will get to a point where you can't help her.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva was curled up in a ball in Ducky's office. She needed the older man's assurance that he was the one going crazy not her. She had things perfectly under control and she didn't need him to get in the way.

Ducky opened the doors to autopsy and was not surprised to see the young Israeli curled in a ball in the furthest corner of the room. The director had already filled him in about the "incident" that had happened that morning.

"Ziva, would you mind coming and sitting up here with me. An old man's body is not what it used to be" he said jokingly watching as the young agent offered a rare smile in return. Once they were both comfortable and after Duck's insistence that he make her tea, they both settled in for what was going to be a long discussion.

Ducky broke the ice. "So I heard about what happened this morning Miss David, would you care to share with me your thoughts on the situation, civilly I might add" He had not missed the anger that was starting to flare up again.

"I just don't want Gibbs to try and control me, and watch my every move. I'm fine Ducky I've dealt with this for the last 12 years and I'm fine. I know what my body can handle, and as I told Gibbs this morning it's my body not his so he should just leave me alone" she said slightly out of breadth from her small rant. She was praying that the doctor would just agree with her and tell Gibbs to back off, but she was pretty sure the situation wasn't going to be as clear cut as that.

"Well my dear I hate to disappoint you, but it's not a problem we can just sweep under the carpet and forget about. You do need serious help, but I think it would be better if you received that help at your own pace and not have it forced onto you. There will be certain conditions however." The doctor ended in a stern voice. His demands wouldn't be as strong or as intruding as Gibb's had been, but at the same time he was a Medical Doctor and the Oath that he had taken meant more than what Ziva realised.

Seeing no way out of the situation Ziva sighed and motioned for Ducky to continue.

"I will tell Jethro to give you your weapons back, and I trust that you won't use them to cut yourself. Secondly your weight is not to drop below 90 pounds or I will be forced to have you hospitalised. Also you will come to autopsy every morning so I can do a full physical examination and also daily blood tests just so I can ensure nothing goes wrong. Also I would like you to see your psychologist weekly. Is that all understood? The ME asked feeling that what he was expecting from the young agent was fair and reasonable.

"Yes Ducky, I think that is fair, but how are we going to explain that to Gibbs?"

"Ah my dear, you leave agent Gibbs to me. Now on medical orders go home for the day and I expect you here at 0700 hours."

"Yes Ducky, you have my word that I will be there"

Ziva turned and made her way out of autopsy a feeling of relief washing over her. Just before she went through the doors she looked back and said "Thankyou Ducky"

The ME smiled before his face turned to worry. Ziva was easy, but he had a feeling that that wasn't going to be the case with a certain Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

Xxxxxxx

Jethro stormed out of autopsy after his "chat" with Dr Mallard. He was not happy that he would have no part in Ziva's treatment, but at the same time there was a small feeling of relief. He knew Ziva's illness was more than he could deal with, and maybe just being her boss and not her jailer would make things easier for the two of them.

Walking back into the bullpen he dumped one heavy box on Tony and Tim's desks. A simultaneous groan came from the pair of them but Gibbs decided to ignore their reactions.

"Cold Cases need to be done boys, and we haven't been called out, so these might as well get done" he barked sitting down on his desk with his cup of coffee. He never looked into the cold cases anymore as he had done that plenty of times when he was a probie under Mike Franks. He was not one to waste time however so he always checked in with the director to see if he was needed elsewhere.

"Um Boss where is Ziva" Tim asked cautiously, they hadn't seen her since this morning and he didn't want to upset Gibbs, but both him and Tony were burning with curiosity.

"Ziva has gone home for the day Dr's orders" He barked whilst picking up his coffee and heading up to MTAC where he would spend the next couple of hours. "There better be some leads by the time I get back" he added giving the younger agents the famous "Gibbs" stare.

Tony and Tim sighed, working in silence apart from the few times that Tony couldn't resist making a movie reference. It was going to be a long day.


	19. Prodding and Probing

Xxxxxxx

Ziva returned from the Navy yard and quickly made her way to the bathroom to check the scales.

99

Ziva felt and instant surge of pride running through her. She had finally hit double digits! She let the feeling wash over her before, putting on her running clothes and setting out to run.

Xxxxxxxx

Back in Autopsy Dr Mallard, was compiling a folder with what he could find of Ziva's medical records. He had the reports from when she was in Bethesda after coming home from being held captive by Saleem. But none of these reports mentioned her eating disorder. He had already been on the phone with Katrina to let her know of his involvement in her treatment and also to get her perspective on Ziva's state of mind since she had been treating her for the last 2 years, and had gotten to know the young Israeli quite well. He needed as much information about her past as he could get, because getting Ziva to open up was going to be a challenge.

Xxxxxxx

Ziva returned from her run quite exhausted. She showered and changed into her pyjamas and then for the first time that day just sat down and relaxed. It was nice to be away from the prying eyes, as much as there concern was comforting, and it was also holding her back. Well it was holding her eating disorder back.

_You don't need to eat today, no one is watching you, show some control and don't eat today _

The voice in her head spoke softly, invitingly, as if it was her friend. Ziva had always found that when she gave into what her eating disorder wanted, the voices in her head were still there, but they were softer, almost friendly. It was what made recovery so hard, and why it made so much illogical sense to keep going downhill.

Ziva made her way into her room, picking up a book from her bookshelf. It was titled "Me, Myself and Anorexia" and it was a young women's memoir of her Anorexia. Unfortunately the book did not have a happy ending, and the young women was still battling the hideous disease, but Ziva often found it comforting in knowing that she wasn't alone. It was sad to think that their were others out there just like her going through there own battles of hell, but it just made her feel more connected, like she wasn't just pretending. Because one of her biggest fears was that people would think she was being fake and she definitely wasn't, she wouldn't wish this disease on her worst enemy.

Xxxxxxxx

Tony and Tim had finished up the cold cases for the day, and had managed to find a few leads that lead to nowhere. They were both exhausted and just about to head off home when Gibbs reappeared from MTAC. Both agents immediately dropped their bags in case there was something their boss wanted them to do, but Gibbs simply stated.

"Go home, and get a good rest. I think we all need one" the boys grabbed their bags and headed into the elevator just in case Jethro found something that needed to be done. Once they had both gotten to their cars they waved goodbye, hoping to get some rest before tomorrow, because if they were stuck doing cold cases again, then it was going to be a long day.

Xxxxxxx

98

Ziva smiled at herself as she started to dress for work. For now the scale was dropping and she was pleased but also impatient at the same time. She just wanted the number to go lower and lower. In truth she just wanted to see how far she could push her body.

Xxxxxxx

Ziva arrived at the Navy Yard 0500. Seeing the piles of cold cases on both Tony and Tim's desk, she grabbed a small pile from each of their desks and began going thorough them looking at old evidence, chasing leads. It was a task she usually hated, but this morning it seemed oddly calming.

0600 Gibbs gave Ziva a curt nod hello, pleased that she had started the days work, even though the day didn't really start until 0700, a time Dinozzo could never seem to make. He knew that she needed to be in autopsy with Ducky at 0700, so that's probably started early.

0700 "Gibbs I need to go see Ducky now" Ziva explained watching the two other field watched for Gibb's reaction. Gibbs just nodded his ok, and watched as Ziva walked to the stairwell slowly. Seeing that his other 2 agents, were staring as well he quickly barked at them to get to work, before heading up to MTAC to see the director.

Xxxxxxxx

Ziva arrived at Autopsy at 0705, taking the stairs as slowly as she could. She usually hated to be late, but on this occasion she was genuinely scared of what Ducky might have in store for her.

Down in Autopsy Ducky was watching the clock slowly tick by. He had never known Ziva to be late before, so he knew he would have to be careful in his examination, because maybe then it would lessen some of her anxiety. He was just about to call Jethro, when Ziva slowly made her way through the door.

Ducky quickly locked the door, before turning to Ziva, and in a stern voice said "In future my dear, it would be appreciated if you could be on time for our appointments" his voice softening towards the end of the sentence, because he could see the young women shaking in fear.

"Yes Ducky, I am sorry and it won't happen again" Ziva replied her head on the floor.

_You idiot can you get anything right? _ Chimed the voice in her head.

"Well my dear if you could just slip into this gown for me, we can get started on the examination" Ducky said with a warm smile whilst handing a white hospital gown to Ziva.

"Do I have to remove everything?" Ziva asked, embarrassment evident on her facial features.

"You may keep on your bra and undies my dear" Ducky said trying not to chuckle at her embarrassment.

"I will be at my computer, please let me know when you have changed" Ducky said walking towards his computer to give Ziva some privacy.

"I'm done Ducky" Ziva said shaking from both the cold, and embarrassment of the situation she had managed to put herself in.

Ducky smiled a small smile, and turned the heater on so that at least Ziva could at least be slightly more comfortable. As he walked towards her however, she kept stepping back, staying just out of his reach.

"My dear if this is going to work, I am going to need your cooperation" Ducky told her sternly, as that seemed the only way to get through to her.

In reply Ziva moved towards Ducky, as slowly as she could. She was trying to comply with the treatment but she didn't expect it to be so invasive.

"First of all my dear, I need you to step on the scales" Ducky said pointing to a set of hospital digital scales, that Ziva had seen in Bethesda.

Ziva's face lost all colour. How stupid of her not to realise that Ducky was going to weigh her? She did have an eating disorder!

Ziva stepped on the scales as Ducky asked. As she hadn't eaten or drunk anything that morning yet the scales showed the same number as Ziva had seen at home.

98

Ducky sighed and recorded in Ziva's notes. He had gathered as much information as he could from Katrina and he had also added in his own observations.

"If you could lay down on the table for me now dear" Ducky pointed to one of the autopsy tables as he spoke. He had specially, covered the table in a thick sheet so it wouldn't be cold steel that she would be lying on. Once Ziva was lying on the table, Ducky covered her with a hospital blanket. He would do his job yes, but he could make sure that at least Ziva was a little bit confident.

He started his exam, by looking at both her arms and wrists, checking for any new cuts, and making sure that the old ones were healing quickly. He found no new self-harm marks, on her arms and he was slightly relieved. Maybe things were going to be ok.

Ducky tried to make small talk with Ziva, as he checked her blood pressure and pulse, and checked her reflexes. Ziva either answered with on word, or didn't answer at all. It seemed she was too anxious about the exam and Ducky was about to find out why.

Ducky was just finishing off her blood test, which he had already explained that "this only needs to be done once a week" Ziva nodded and was about to jump of the table, when Ducky put a firm hand on her shoulder, and said "Not just yet my dear, I need to check one last thing first."

Ziva had a look of panic in her eyes, but she quickly lay down back on the table. Ducky lifted the blanket slightly to check her legs, smiling at Ziva when he saw no new self-harm marks. He then lifted the blanket and gown, to check her stomach, the only place he hadn't checked yet. The look of disappointment and concern on the Drs face nearly made her cry, right there on the table. Her stomach was covered with fresh cuts, covering most of her stomach. Ziva had thought that would be the one place that Ducky wouldn't look at, so she thought she was still concealing her secret.

"Ziva we've been through this, this can't be happening anymore" Ducky said sternly, trying not to get angry with the young woman in front of him.

"I need the pain, I deserve the pain" Ziva replied, tears streaming down her face. She wished that everyone would just leave her alone. She was fine, couldn't everyone see that?

"You have done nothing to deserve this Ziva, and you can't keep hurting yourself" Ducky replied gently putting the blanket back on her. He was at a loss as to what to say to her, because he had no idea what was going on in her tortured mind.

"Can I go back to work now" Ziva practically begged, wanting nothing more than to get out and away from autopsy.

"Yes you may go" Ducky replied walking over to the door to unlock it, and to his desk, to write notes in Ziva's file. When he turned around, Ziva was gone.


	20. Fighting for Control

Xxxxxxx

Ziva returned to the bullpen shaking with anger. She felt as if her privacy had been violated, why couldn't they just leave her alone? It was her body, she could do what she wanted with it.

Tony looked up as Ziva sat down at her desk. He was ready to tease her and find out where she had been, but one look at the expression on her face, told him that it wasn't a good idea, and he was best keeping his mouth shut.

"Gear up, dead marine downtown Virginia" Gibbs shouted, and the team immediately, dropped what they were doing and grabbed their bags, running to the elevator to keep up with Gibbs. The ride down was silent, and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Everyone wanted things to go back to normal, but what they didn't realise is that this was the new normal.

Xxxxxxx

Gibbs was talking to the local leos, McGee was taking the photos, Tony talking to witnesses and Ziva was collecting the evidence. She was glad, she didn't have to talk to the witnesses as her head was too full at the moment, but collecting evidence was the easiest task to do when she was feeling like this, because it gave her time to think.

_What am I going to do now? I can't self-harm now, because Ducky won't let me in the field soon. I'll just have to lose more weight. Restrict more. Weight loss is easier to hide. I know how to trick the scales. At least I won't be the fat whale I am now._

With that Ziva felt much calmer.

Xxxxxxx

The team arrived back at the Naval yard, and instantly started to work on the case. McGee was going through bank statements and the dead marine's phone calls, Tony was tracking the Marines last known movements and Gibbs was in MTAC, talking to the Petty Officers Supervisor. Ziva was running down to Abby's lab to give her the evidence, so that Abby could start processing the evidence.

Ziva placed the evidence on Abby's desk a turned to leave. She felt a hand on her arm and turned around to find a very concerned Abby holding on to her as if she was scared that she might never see Ziva again.

"Abby what's wrong?" Ziva asked. She was totally confused as to why Abby was acting so strangely.

"Ziva, you're getting so thin, you're going to disappear soon!" Abby exclaimed, trying to get through to the young women in front of her.

Ziva laughed before saying "Abby don't be ridiculous, I've just been running more, and eating healthier." She was smiling, trying to calm Abby down. The last thing she needed right now was Abby running around and telling everyone that something was wrong with her. She needed to keep her secret as contained as possible.

Abby didn't look convinced, but she let go of her arm, and started to focus on the evidence in front of her. Ziva waited until she was sure that Abby wouldn't go tell everyone that she was worried, and then she slipped out of the lab, and went to her favourite stairwell to have time away from everyone's prodding and probing.

Xxxxxxx

When Ziva returned to the bullpen 30 mins later, nobody even looked up from their desks. Everyone was too busy stuck into their work and Ziva was relieved. She started going through the Naval officer's background, trying to find anything abnormal that would give them a lead on the case.

Ziva became so engrossed in her work, that she missed Gibb's sad stare. He was watching her slowly unravelling and he knew there was nothing he could do to stop her. He wanted to hold her in his arms and make her pain go away.

_Ziva please let me help you, let me make things right for you again. Gibbs_ though silently to himself. He hated being so helpless when he was usually in control.

Ziva looked up from her work and noticed that Gibbs was still staring at her. However when she looked at him he turned away and walked quickly to the director's office. He had information that he needed to speak to Jenny about, but Ziva mistook his exit, thinking it was because of her. She didn't think that it was because of her because she thought the world revolved around her, but because she was becoming so paranoid that people could see what she saw in the mirror. A fat, weak person who had no self-control.

_Look what you've done now. Even Gibbs can't stand to look at you anymore. He used to love you like a daughter and now he can't stand you. You fat pathetic FREAK!_ her head screamed, whilst Ziva tried to hold back the tears. She knew she couldn't run out of the bullpen without causing more suspicion, so she tried to get back into her work. She was lost in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed McGee walking towards her.

_Shit, pull yourself together. This can't happen all the time. Stop being so lazy and get you work done!"_ trying to ignore the voice in head, Ziva smiled at McGee and waited to see what he wanted.

_"__Ziva I've been through the officer's phone calls and I think I've found a lead"_ Tim explained whilst showing Ziva the print out of the evidence he had found. Ziva looked through the papers and then started running the numbers through her computer to see if any matches from previous cases came up. Thankful for the interruption to her destructive thoughts, she gave Tim a smile that hadn't been seen on her features by the two male agents for a while. Tony smiled thinking his ninja was ok.

_Maybe just maybe he thought maybe she is ok_

Little did he know, how wrong he was.


End file.
